Da green kruseid!
by Tau22
Summary: The sequel for *Savin' stuff, da orky way!* Our green heroes start another adventure full of obvious plot devices, lame puns and general silly stuff! And they are STILL weird.
1. Dis ain't ova' yet!

It was a sunny day at the ork fort... camp... thing.

Don't you just love that line?

The orks had been quite the helping hands in the past month, helping restore the planet and all. The guardies and the civilians grew accustomed to having orks as friendly neighbours. And the ork numbers increased, thanks to the spores and whatnot.

One nob, Mogosh, was playing a game of orkjack with some of the newer boys. One of the slugga boys showed his cards. A warboss, a mek and an A-Bom'.

"Yayz! Dat'z twenny-free pointz! I'z win!"

Mogosh looked at the ork.

"Oh, I'z beg to diffa'. I'z win!"

"But..." a massive choppa landed dangerously close to the slugga's right hand, "but ofcourze! You'z win! I'z musta' made sum mistakey bit."

"Damn right! Bah! Sporlingz dese dayz! No respect fer deir eldurz!"

A quite known slugga boy ran past them, a black squig close behind.

"'Ey, Muskit!"

"'Ey, Mogosh!"

The well-known duo then continued to the 'Kommunikasunz roomzy fing'. Gobroz was already there. The two walked over to him.

"Gobroz!"

"'Ullo, Muskit! Good fing you'z 'ere!"

"Yeh. But, where'z da boss?"

"Right 'ere!"

Nagosh into the room.

"Where were youz?"

"Well, flashgit Gobroz, I just went ta see da old chaosy fortrezz, iz all."

Gobroz sighed. Nagosh had been going to that fortress for some time now. Why did the boss like it so much?

"Oh, well. At leest you'z 'ere. Guardiez been callin' whole mornin'! Somefin' seriuz."

"Call dem, flashgit Gobroz!"

"Yeh, boss!" the flashgit turned a questionable device and kicked it. A screen above them flashed, "callin' guardiez! Callin' guardiez!"

A bald head appeared. Alix Mossiv had his favourite green tea.

"Good morning, gentlemen."

"Oy, Alix! 'ow ya doin'?"

"Well, to tell you the truth, my good warboss, I was doing just fine, until I received a message from a Imperial Guard base on the planet of Carridia, not too far from here."

"Wot'z wrong?"

"Well, they'd had problems with the Tau there, but that conflict was already resolved and the planet was kinda split in half. Half for us, half for them. But recently, our experts there have been picking up... tremors under the ground. Something is not right."

Gobroz knew what that meant.

"So, to get da plot goin', you'z want us ta go dere and see wot'z wrong. Amiright?"

"Quite right, mate! The only problem now is... will you take one of our ships, or...?"

"Nah! Darug sed he had sum prototypey fingy fer flyin'! We'z gonna use dat."

"Well... if you think that is the right decision. I have sent a message towards the guardsmen on the planet. They shall be expecting you."

"Gud. Come on, boyz! Let'z have sum fun!"

Nagosh left in a hurry, Muskit and Ugu behind. Gobroz kicked the 'device' again to turn it off and then ran after them.

******

"Darug... ya sure dis fing can fly?"

"Well... no. But it'z betta' den nofin', eh Gobroz?"

"Gork and Mork save uz..."

He looked behind. He and Darug were at the very front of the rocket. Nagosh had two seats for himself and Muskit and Ugu had their own. They also brought Drakk along. Nagosh thought the grot needed to see new places. Drakk was strapped to his seat by over thirty seatbelts, to ensure his safety. Scared little grot.

The rocket itself was quite a sight. It looked like random pieces of junk and weapons welded together. But then, most orky vehicles looked like that.

"You boys redy fer liftoff?" asked the mek.

"NO!" screamed all of them.

"Gud! Startin' engine in free, two, one."

A single click of a button fired up the blasted off into the sky with the speed of gods.

Drakk's chair snapped off and the poor grot hit a wall. The land beneath them became smaller and smaller. The ship then left the planet's atmosphere and they were in the vastness of space.

Drakk floated here and there on his chair, hitting walls and sharp objects.

"Ooops! I'z forgot to put in dem grevitey stabilizor bitz."

"Dat can't be gud..."

"Don't worry, flashgit Gobroz! All'z fine... fer now. Wot now, Darug?"

"I'z shud click dis 'ere button..."

Darug typed some coordinates into the ship's 'computer'. Gobroz closed his eyes. The ship entered warpal travel-mode...

******

"You'z forgot sum oda' fings, too, Darug."

"Oh, shaddap."

Indeed, for the orks now had some daemonic passengers on board. Two Horrors were playing pong with Drakk's chair, a group of Bloodletters was trying to beat Nagosh in arm-wrestling, to no avail, and a group of Daemonettes was... you guessed it... squeezing the living daylights outta' Ugu.

"Oh, he's so cute and squishy!"

"Yeah! Why aren't there daemons this cute!"

"He licked me, the cutie!"

Muskit just stared at the she-daemons.

And last, but not least, a two-headed chaos spawn was liking Gobroz and Darug.

"Dis is getting' annuyin'."

"I'z know, Gobroz. But look! We'z almost outta' 'ere!"

As soon as they exited warp-space, the daemons disappeared.

******

In orbit above Carridia, a Chaos fleet of many colours flew.

Four lords stood on the flagship's bridge, along with a Bloodletter champion.

"I still can't believe we actually got another mission after that fiasco..."

"Yesssss. Quite an unexpected turn of eventssss, eh?"

"Unexpected, but delicious!"

"Whatever... can we start burning stuff?"

"Sangus, we are here to uncover what is causing the strange tremors on the planet. If it's an artifact..."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

"Ummm... my lords?"

Rakul turned.

"What is it, Nebulon?"

The daemon pointed with his finger. In the distance something, which looked like a flying piece of debris, was heading for the planet.

"What in the name of Tzeentch... give me a closer view!"

A screen appeared before them. The 'rocket' could clearly be seen.

"Lookssss like ssssomething... orky."

Rakul started panicing. Then, a black squig moved to one of the windows.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! It's them! It's Nagsosh Ubzug and his accursed orks!!!"

"Uh oh... screw pillaging and looting! Let's just go home!"

"I agree with Sangus! This is NOT DELICIOUS!!!"

"Not even papa Nurgle can protect us now!"

"Yes, master. Please!"

Rakul's eyes were full of rage.

"We're not going back, idiots! Hehehehhe. This is a chance to exact our revenge! Blast them outta the sky! All batteries, FIIIIIREEEEEE!!!"

The flagship's guns charged up and unleashed their wrath upon the ork craft.

******

"Well... dat can't be gud..." said Nagosh.

"Thakya, boss obviuz!"

"Sorry, flashgit Gobroz..."

The beams and rounds hit the small ship and it plummeted towards Carridia's surface.

Not gud.


	2. Goody boyz an' den sum!

He saw an endless blackness. Well, he didn't know if it was endless, but he sure knew it was black. He also felt as if something was pushing him downwards with quite some force.

Suddenly, faint sounds reached his ears. They seemed like... voices.

Then, part of the blackness disappeared and blinding light filled the area. It took his eyes a bit to adjust and when they did, he saw a familiar warboss.

"Oy! Flashgit Gobroz! You'z okay!"

A large green hand was stretched out to him and Gobroz caught it. Nagosh then pulled him out of a pile of metallic rubble.

The surroundings were... barren, to say the least. A seemingly endless rocky desert surrounded the crashed craft from all sides.

"Yeh, boss, I'z okay."

"Gud ta hear! Darug wosn't sure if we'z cud find ya... in one peece."

"Rig't... oy! Were's me shoota?"

After that, Darug and Muskit came into view... the mek was carrying two pieces of metal. Darug spoke:

"I'z sorry, Gobroz. It must'a happened durin' da crashy stuff."

Gobroz looked at what was left of his favourite weapon... and remembered all that time he spent with it... tuning it... polishing its features... testing it on live targets, preferably humies... sitting next to it in the cinema. And he raised his arms to the sky and screamed:

"WRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

Then there was absolute silence, save for a few hand-sized bugs, but even those were eaten by Ugu moments later. Only Darug really broke the silence:

"Don'tcha worry, Gobroz! I'z gunna fix it! I'z promize!"

"Yeh?"

"Yeh! An' it'z gunna be betta' den eva'!"

Gobroz already looked better.

"Okey! Let'z go find sumw'ere, where we can fix it, yeh?"

"YEH!" shouted the other orks.

And so, the group of weird orks set off on yet another journey.

******

They walked for what seemed to be uneventful hours. In reality, it was a mere ten minutes. And then, a strange cylindrical object landed next to them. Gobroz picked it up.

"Wot is it, flashgit Gobroz?"

"I'z dunno, boss. But it'z awfelly fumiliar."

The mek spoke, a hint of nervosity in his voice:

"Uhhhh... I'z fink dat'z a bom'."

"Uh oh..."

Light consumed the area.

-

No too far from the orks stood a group of humanoids clad in light brown armour, which almost made them blend in with their surroundings. They carried large rifles and their helmets had strange, red optical aids on them.

"Photon grenade hit its mark, sir."

One of them, who wore a white helmet instead of a brown one, nodded.

"Good. Orks are the last things we need on this planet. Back to base."

They rose and wanted to leave, but a terrible roar made them stop.

-

From the smoke left after the grenade, came the biggest ork from Akhalam IV, a few scratches on his hide. The others were close behind.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHH!!!! You'z fought, dat a little bom', cud stop orkz?! Oy!" Nagosh looked at the aggressors, "flashgit Gobroz! Ain't dose dem Goody-boyz?"

"Uhhh... dey'z from da Tau emparezez. Or sumfin' like dat."

"Like I'z sed! Goody-boyz! Let'z show teech 'em not ta mess wif da ORKS!!!"

-

"What now, sir?!"

"Calm down! They're just orks! Fire at will! Turn them into piles of smoking flesh!"

The Fire warriors listened and aimed with their rifles.

-

"Uuuuuh... boss? We'z shud get outta' da wey..."

"You'z right, flashgit Gobroz! Looky! Dere's a biiiig rok!"

The group hid behind the large, improvised piece of cover. Pulse shots landed all around them.

"Oy! Dese arez Goody-boyz! Dey'z week 'gainst choppaz and fistz and stuffz, right?"

One of the shots utterly annihilated a plant near them. Which had been an ork-sized cactus. Gobroz spoke:

"Yeh, boss! Too bad we'z ain't gunna get dat close!"

"Dere'z gotta be sumfin' we'z can do!"

At that moment, Muskit got an idea. An insane, ridiculous and lulzy idea, but an idea nonetheless.

"I'z got it! Ugu! Ugu'z tiny, he'z can sneek up on da Tauzerz!"

Nagosh grinned as much as orkily possible.

"Dat soundz like sum fun! And when he haz dem distocteed, we'll crush sum skullz! Go, Ugu!"

-

The little squig looked at all of them and then exited their cover. The commies didn't notice the little guy and he was soon next to them.

One of the warriors spotted the squig.

"SIR!!!"

They all stopped firing. The Shas'ui looked at the black critter and commanded:

"Shoot it, damnit!"

"We can't!"

"Why not?"

"He's less than two metres away from us. We have to go into... close combat."

"WHAT?! WHY?!"

"Sir... the rulebook says so."

Under their helmets, the aliens had faces of pure terror.

"We're all gonna die..."

"Calm down, idiots! It's just one frikin' squig. How bad could it be?"

"It's base attack is higher than our whole unit combined."

"Okay... panic."

"WE'RE ALL GONNA...."

A massive ork landed next to them. Naosh looked quite amused.

"Yeh, you'z all gunna meet yuurz ded boyz soon."

One of the warriors asked the rules expert:

"What does the codex say about his close combat level?!"

"It's... over NIIIIIIINE...."

The Shas'ui knocked the expert on the head with his rifle.

"For Ethereal's sake! That joke was overused thirty-eight millenia ago! And it was already done in this fic! Seriously..." he then turned to the ork, "will it hurt?"

"Hmmm... nah! I'z not gunna fight ya."

"Wha-?!"

"Boss!" it was Darug, "we'z still needz ta find dem guardiez! Dat'z why we'z came 'ere, no?"

"Darug'z right, boss. C'mere, Ugu!"

The little squig sat on Muskit's shoulder. Gobroz was silent, the two pieces of his old kustom shoota in his hands.

"You're looking for the Imperial Guard?"

"Yeh, deyz called us ta help with sum erf-shaky bitz."

"The tremors?"

"Yeh!"

"Well... the empire is also interested in them... perhaps we could negotiate a temporary truce between the guard and us?"

"Works fer me. You'z just have ta get us to da guardiez."

"Of course. Follow me."

Reluctantly, the other warriors walked after their leader, leading the orks towards their goal.

Much lulz is to be had.

******

"What do you mean, they're not at the crash site?!"

Nebulon looked at his master through the screen of his portable com-link. The rubrics and berserkers behind him were busy moving bits of junk.

"We have found nothing but rubble, master. They must have left swiftly."

"Well, then... track them down!"

"As you wish. Nebulon out."

The screen faded into darkness. Rakul was mildly irritated. The only one with him was his second best servant... which said nothing about the sorcerer's skills.

"Akitol?"

"Yes, sir?"

"Go find Sangus and the other two. I want their forces ready for assault in two hours."

"Yes, anything else?"

"Hmmm... get me some Horror-flavoured tea and a Daemonette."

"Got it."

Akitol left and he was alone.

He couldn't shake that strange feeling... as if something bad was about to happen.

"Hmmmm... I'm getting paranoid... I'll get a sammich with some Flamer parts. Always makes it hot. Pun intended, heheheh."

******

"So, wot'z your namez?"

The Shas-ui spoke:

"I am Eimmoc. The smartest of this bunch, therefore a commander."

"Hey!" said all the other warriors.

"Okay! Rule-expert Wal is co-commander."

"YAY!!!"

"Anyway, you are?"

"I'z Nagosh Ubzug, boss of da Skull Smashaz!"

"I'z Gobroz. Flashgit and smartboy."

"Yeh, he iz! Darug'z da neim. I'z da Smashaz' mek, I'z fix brokun bitz."

"And I'z Muskit! And dis is little Ugu!"

Eimmoc looked at each member.

"My... you sure are a strange group."

"You'z cud say dat."

The canyon around them was wide, so they thankfully didn't have to move in a line.

But an ambush could be easily created.

The Bloodletter champion watched the whole group from above. He grinned and pointed at the canyon walls behind them with his left hand.

"Feel the Warp!"

A beam of pure Chaos energy hit its target and the canyon collapsed behind the group. Nebulon then jumped from his position and impacted the ground like a bomb, sending dirt everywhere. He looked at the group, his axe ready.

"We meet again, Nagosh Ubzug. And his foolish allies."

"Oy! Dynomic entry, much?"

"I suppose, warboss. Master Rakul sent me to prevent you from pestering us on Carridia."

"You an' wot army?"

"Heheheheheh. Come here, boys!"

From the now-only canyon entrance/exit came two units of Chaos marines. Rubrics and berserkers.

"Let us at 'em! Skulls for the skull throne!"

"Have fun!" he turned to Nagosh, "shall we, for old time's sake?"

"You'z bet! Let'z staaart da FIGHTIIIIN'!!!!"

Nagosh charged, along with Nebulon. Chain choppa' met rune-axe.

The Fire warriors shot and killed some of the approaching berserkers, but the marines were too many to simply get gunned down. That's where the remaining orks came in handy. While the green ones fought the close range berserkers, the Tau blasted rubrics to tiny bits.

Gobroz held his shoota's remains tightly and bashed the servants of Chaos with them. His attacks were fueled by a mixture of fury and sorrow. None stood in his way.

Darug literally snapped the marines to bits thanks to his powah klaw. His blasta' came in handy, too.

And then there was the duo, Muskit and Ugu. Muskit did his best to keep the berserkers occupied while Ugu bit them at different spots of their armour and eventually found weak spots in their knee joints. Loud screams filled with agony were loud.

-

"Damnit, he's too strong!" thought the daemon as he was smashed against the rock wall.

"Oy, daemun! You'z ain't so tuf as before! Wot'z da matta'?"

Was it those goodies Mithara made for him? Was he getting out of shape?

Nebulon's gaze trailed to the right, where he saw a few Tau aiming at him, waiting for a clear shot.

"Damn you all! We will meet again, Ubzug!"

Without another word on either side, Nebulon disappeared in that well-known cloud of smoke.

Nagosh turned to the remaining ones.

"All'z okey, flashgit Gobroz?"

"Yeh, boss!"

Muskit seemed happier for some reason.

"Yeh! And Ugu found a wittle toy, too!"

All of them looked at the little squig, who was using a berserker's boot as an improvised chew-toy.

Eimmoc commented:

"Most interesting... we should get going before the marines return again."

"Da Tauzy boy'z right, boss."

"I'z know, Darug! Let'z get runnin'!"

And so the group set off yet again, olivious to the small spider-like machine which followed them, sending information.

******

"Does it hurt, Neby?"

"I'll live."

Mithara was treating "Neby's" wounds with some unknown liquid. Nebulon learned, that asking some questions could give unwanted answers.

"Damnit! This is the same thing all over again! All's going fine, then comes a bunch of orks and ruins EVERYTHING!!!"

"Calm down, Rakul! I am sure, that this will end in a far more delicious way than our prievious quest."

"I certainly hope so. Are your forces ready?"

"Yeah, we're ready to check out some crap and then start pillaging big time."

"Yesssssss."

"Prepared with lots of noisy ordnance."

"Good. This battle is not over yet!"

******

Deep under Carridia's surface, two green eyes watched a monitor. Humans, orks, commies and... they.

"This shaaaall be a moooost interesting development."


	3. Moar ol' friendz!

"We'z dere yet?"

"Boss! Dis a'redy happn'd last time! And no! We'z ain't dere yet!"

"Okay, flashgit Gobroz."

The orks and (commies) warriors walked through the never-ending desert. Gobroz knew, that without the goody-boyz' little holomap, they would be totally lost. Suddenly, he remembered something... or more precisely, someone.

"Oy! We'z forgot Drakk!"

Eimmoc turned.

"Drakk?"

"Oy! Dat'z our grot! Don't worry, flashgit Gobroz! He'z seif wif Darug, right?"

"Yeh, boss! Right 'ere!"

Darug opened a small compartment on his huge backpack, which could perhaps fit a 'umie laspistol with some effort, and the grot's head popped out, gasping for air.

Gobroz wanted to say something, but words eluded him. So, he simply facepalmed.

After that, Drakk sat ON the mek's backpack. And they continued with their journey. After about half an hour, they spotted the first bits of a Tau installation.

******

The communications centre they were in looked much more... polished and tidy than the Imperial ones. But the human general on the screen was only too familiar.

"So, I see my brother FINALLY sent you boys to help."

"Yeh, dat'z right." said Nagosh.

Nagosh and Gobroz were the only orks in the room, the others were down in the armoury.

Gobroz saw only one difference between Alix back on Akhalam and Ulix, who was here on Carridia. Ulix liked liked black tea, not green. Otherwise, the two were identical.

"And they proved some tactical skill when they defeated my men, along with some Chaos troops."

The Tau commander Teivos,who spoke was a rather imposing sight. Fully clad in one of those commander-class battle-armours, he was a walking weapons platform. Before he left his weapons at the armoury, they had been quite a sight.

A shoulder-mounted railgun on the left shoulder and a flamethrower on the other. The final weapon was a massive, infantry-annihilating pulse chaingun, which was so HUEG, that the commander had to hold it with both hands.

"Yeh! You'z don't mess wif orkz!"

"Yeh, boss. But we'z shud start wif da truce an' everyfin'."

"You'z right! Now, den..."

-

Down in the armory, the boys were doing... stuff.

Darug was looking at all of the weaponry the Tau had there. From pulse rifles to railguns, these guys had it covered. Then, an idea appeared in his mind. And he started workin', to the confusion of many around him.

But Muskit was not one of them, for he was playing fetch with Ugu and the... chew-toy.

And Drakk... was also looking at weapons. Weapons located in the 'flamer' category, to be precise. And his finger drifted close to a button.

Muskit watched, shocked, as a small running fireball darted between him and Ugu, heading for a small fountain.

"Deze Tauzy boyz've gotz weerd stuff 'ere."

Ugu just nodded and threw the foot back.

Drakk jumped into the fopuntain and all the water in it was vaporised, before it was replaced by more of the liquid. The grot just watched his surroundings, knowing he was an unlucky [s]guy[/s] [s]ork[/s] gretchin.

-

Negotiations were going quite well. If all went well, they could send a joint search team under the surface.

But suddenly... two other transmissions were patched through by operators. A guardsman and a fire warrior. Both looked terrified.

"Sir! Our defensive positions around the location with the strongest tremors have been taken! Chaos marauders attacked us without warning! We barely had any time to mobilise, let alone defe.."

"Commander! Our forward outposts have been all but obliterated by Chaos assailants! Our Shas'la units are dead and..."

Both speakers were then killed. The guardsman by a sickly green cloud of smoke and the fire warrior a bit more directly, ie. a hammer to the head.

A sorcerer of the big papa and a Chaos lord of Khorne appeared, respectively. Two figures the orks knew only too well. Both camera views went all fuzzy and stuff.

"Connection lost, commander."

"Damnit! General Ulix, we must strike against these invaders!"

"Quite right! I will send my men immediately! Take our green friends with you. They shall be invaluable, I bet."

"Understood. Teivos, out." the Tau commander then turned to the rest, "grab your friends and let's get going."

"Yeh! Com' on, flashgit Gobroz!"

The two orks ran to the armoury Gobroz went for Muskit and Ugu and Nagosh took Drakk out of the fountain... forcefully.

Gobroz then approached Darug.

"Oy, you'z comin'?"

The mek turned, obviously annoyed by the interruption.

"Nah! I'z got sum work ta do."

"Really?"

"YA RLY! Now, off ya go!"

Gobroz just shrugged and went after Nagosh.

******

"Nebulon, stop being such a sissy!"

"No, master! I AM NOT going down there again! I've had enough of getting beaten by a band of orks!!"

"I'm warning you, old friend..."

"NO, Rakul! Nothing can make me go down there! Not this time!"

"Oh?" Mithara appeared from seemingly nowhere, "come on, Neby! I know you can take on some stupid ork! Show me how strong you are!"

She kissed him on the cheek.

Nebulon just stood there for a LOOONG moment. Then he grinned like a madman and disappeared in a cloud of smoke, along with Rakul.

"Boys... all they need is some motivation."

******

The Chaos boyz were just minding their business, playing cards, spreading disease, just standing idly and mutilating corpses. But then came the two attacking forces.

The guardsmen provided irritation with their flashlights and a meat shield in one, while mighty Leman Russ battle tanks blasted their enemies into tiny bits. Nothing stood in their way.

The Tau had the aid of a few orks and a squig, who just charged against enemy lines. Even Rubrics remembered the previous battles and recognized these orks. Then came 'support' fire from the Tau forces, which annihilated entire buildings. Even the aforementioned automatons considered retreat.

The four Chaos lords and their personal retinues watched the approaching forces.

"It ssseemssss the only entrancesss and exitsss have been taken."

"Deliciously obvious observation, not so delicious situation."

"Oh, come on! More heads to split in half!"

Rakul watched the Tau side and the approaching orks and commanded.

"Boys, we're going after the Tau, with Nebulon. Retinues will hold the guardsmen."

"Yes, lord Rakul!" shouted the devoted of all four Chaos gods. The fact they considered the sorcerer a leader was... an honour.

The warriors, automatons and whatnot charged at the guardsmen, axes in the air, souls in their armour, noise in their weapons and plague in their flesh. Even the tanks would be in trouble this time.

Rakul watched the force on the other side. The orks were far ahead of the rest. Excellent. His arms went into the air.

"Forces of Change... of Chaos... bend to my will!!!"

His hands pointed to the canyon walls. Several orbs of Chaos energy shot and hit their mark. The walls collapsed, leaving the orks alone.

"Oy... dis ain't gud."

"You bet, Nagosh Ubzug!"

Nebulon appered above them and dived straight at the warboss, axe first. Nagosh blocked the attack wit his own chain choppa' and the two were at it, yet again. Nagosh seemed to have the upper hand, but then Sangus joined in on the fun. Even the mighty ork's power was put to the test.

Muskit and Gobroz were fighting... well, dodging attacks from Rakul and Morbus, respectively. They just couldn't close the gap between them and the two sorcerers.

And Ugu? Ugu was chasing Carito, who didn't want his delicious beauty to get defiled by some black ball with teeth.

"NOT DELICIOUS, NOT DELICIOUS!!!!!"

******

Khorne's warpal fortress was mostly quiet, except for the ever-present wails of those killed in his name. But you got used to such sound effects.

He sat upon his throne and watched the mountain of skulls below. It was always such a chore to get down... maybe he should install an elevator or something.

He suddenly felt a psychic wave. One of the others wanted to talk. He made some blood appear in his hand and he then threw it into the space in front of him. It formed a sort-of screen and he could see Slaanesh.

"Khorne, Khorne, Khorne!!!"

"Calm down, geez! Now, what's up?"

"Tzeentchey has something to show us! Nurgley is already there! Could you pick me up?"

"Uhhhh.... sure. See ya soon."

"Okay, teehee."

The screen disappeared and he mumbled:

"Why does she need picking up? I know I have to go through her territory to get to Tzeentch, but she has her own ride. Wait, that's right... she's weird."

Khorne stood up, started walking downwards... and tripped.

He rolled down the mountain of skulls and other kinds of bones, which were obviously misplaced, but removing them would cause the whole thing to collapse. And that would not be cool. After ten minutes, he reached the bottom. His back hurt. A LOT.

"Damnit..."

He slowly made his way to the bowels of his fortress, where his steed was. By species, it was a Juggernaut. But it was nearly ten times as big, dwarfing even Bloodthirsters. Even Khorne himself sometimes had difficulty getting on the stupid thing. But damn, it was badass. It also had space for two.

He sat upon it and commanded:

"Forward!"

The beast listened to its master and ran at full speed, ignoring the closed gate in front of it. Doolb, the gate master of a Bloodthirster, muttered in sorrow:

"That's the fifth time in two days."

---

The mighty beast traversed the land with its godly rider. Flames ignited beneath its feet and any daemons who did not step out of its path were mercilessly crushed. Badass to the max, just how Khorne liked it.

Then, a high wall came into view. The warpal walls were the things which kept the different realms of the goods apart, along with the gods' respective daemons. Between these walls... well, no one knew what was between them, except the gods themselves and they didn't like talking about it. And they were different, depending on whose side they were. Khorne's walls, for example, were painted bright red, if it was blood or paint, no one knew, and lined with gold, along with the random spray-paints like 'Blood for the blood god!' and 'Khorne rules!'.

He reached a gatehouse, which was half khornate, half slaaneshi. A Bloodthirster and a Keeper of Secrets were playing a game of Warpal battle cards.

Khorne shouted:

"Hey! Let me through!"

The two looked at him and immediately went to work. The gate of warpal metal soon opened and he entered the realm of Slaanesh. Her walls were purple, with hints of black here and there and... interesting markings on them.

The Juggernaut sped up and they were in front of her citadel in no time.

Khorne pushed a button and an impulse was sent to the steed's brain. The Juggernaut roared.

-

Slaanesh was in her quarters, brushing her hair. Then came a mighty roar. And she knew such roars could only be made by Khorne's little beasties. She swiftly walked to her window and looked outside. Way below, she saw the Blood God, I all of his glory. And she waved at him.

"Hey Khorne!"

He yelled back:

"Hi! Are you coming or what?"

"Okay! Catch!"

"What... ARE YOU DOING?!"

She leaned out of the window and then jumped out. Khorne acted by instinct. He first jumped onto a wall nearby and then as high as he could and caught her in mid-air. He then landed on the ground, goddess in his arms.

"You're insane."

"Yeah... but I've got a knight in bloody armour!"

Then, with uncanny speed, she lifted his helmet, gave him a kiss on the cheek, put the helmet back on and jumped out of his arms.

Khorne just stood there for a moment, shocked. He then shook his head and watched a scene he never even imagined.

"What a cute little puppy!!"

How did she know the Juggernaut was just two months old?

She raised a hand and something appeared in it. The Juggernaut sniffed and then seemed intrigued.

"Oh, you want the Scooby snack? Well, then, sit!" the beast sat so vehemently, that the ground shook and Khorne almost fell, "good boy! Here ya go!"

She threw the snack to the beasty and it nommed the cookie mercilessly.

"I'm seeing things, this is a dream."

"Can I call him Fluffy? PLEASE!!!"

Fluffy looked pleased with the new name. Somehow, he just couldn't say no

"Okay, okay! He's Fluffy!"

"Thanks! You're the best!"

He didn't know what to say to that, so he got on Fluffy and helped Slaanesh up. She caught him around the waist and he simply screamed.

"GO... Fluffy!"

The puppy roared again and they were off.

From somewhere above, two Daemonettes watched.

"They look so cute together!"

"Yeah!"

-

Tzeentch and Nurgle were watching the spectacle through the Changer's orb. Suddenly, the door was torn out of its hinges. Khorne let Slaanesh go in first and then entered himself.

"Hey, Tzeentchey!"

"Yeah, hi, feather brain."

One of his avian heads looked at them.

"Ah, you're here! Excellent! Our boys are fighting the very orks who humiliated us before! And they're winning! LOOK!!!"

He pointed with five of his hands and their gazes were fixed on the orb.

******

The orks were outnumbered and losing. But one Tau wasn't gonna let that happen.

"Throw me that missile launcher!"

The other one listened and threw it to Eimmoc, who then climbed onto the rocks, aimed and shot.

The rocket flew towards its target, a large ork assaulted from two directions. Nebulon noticed it and his eyes grew wide. Nagosh used the oportunity and threw m and then jumped away. Sangus just watched the approaching missile.

"Juuust great."

It exploded near him and the explosion sent him straight at Morbus and the two collided. Muskit had the time of his life laughing.

And Nebulon now looked at a charging Nagosh.

"Uh oh."

He too was sent flying. But towards Rakul.

"Uh oh."

When Rakul got Nebulon off him, two orks were in his view. A warboss and a flashgit. They was ready to battle again, as were he and Nebulon. But suddenly, he heard a crack. He was sure the others did, too. It came from below.

"Wot wos dat, flashgit Gobroz?"

"I'z dun't know..."

Cracks appeared beneath their feet and the ground itself soon broke into pieces and they fell into darkness.

"Boss, Gobroz!"

"Rakuuul!"

"Not delicious!"


	4. Unda'groundzez

The hole was deep. Very deep. So deep, in fact, that its epic deepness made the entry hole seem like a mere blip.

First to hit the ground was Drakk. Thanks to the grot's flexible bones, he only had bruises. Gobroz landed next to him... and Nagosh landed on both with a deafening crash.

"Owz..."

"Sorry, flashgit Gobroz."

"My... brainzez are comin' outta' my noze."

"Oh... sorry, Drakk."

The last to fall was an armoured sorcerer. Rakul shook his head, stood up, dusted off his armour, did a victory pose on the 'hill' and commented:

"Thank you for cusioning my fall, ork."

"Uhhh... don't mentian it."

Nebulon came soon after, using his axe to slow down his fall. He landed gently on the ground and looked at the rest.

"Amateurs."

The orks got up and looked around. They stood in some sore of corridor. One path had been blocked by a rock slide and the other led into darkness.

"Well, it seems you're going to have a lot of fun down here. Nebulon, would you be so kind?"

"Of course, master. See ya, boys!"

Nebulon raised his arm and... nothing happened. No purple cloud or disappearing, no nothing. The two stood there awkwardly.

Nagosh grinned.

"Oy, dat didn't work, eh?"

Rakul was annoyed.

"Grrrrrr. Something down here is blocking Warp energies. And that cannot be good."

Gobroz' voice brought wisdom again, even if it was brought along with incorrect grammar:

"Oy, we'z shud work togeda'. Well, atleest 'till we'z get outta' 'ere."

"An ork that shows intelligence. Interesting. What do you think, master?"

"Hmph. It doesn't look like we have a choice in this matter. Lead the way."

And the group started moving, orks first.

******

They walked through the, at best, dimly lit corridors, silent. There wasn't really much to chat about and if they spoke... who knows what horrors they could attract.

After a while, they entered what seemed seemed to be a massive cave. Green orbs lit a path and they followed it, still in silence. It soon led them to a wide chasm, It was incredibly long, continuing far into the darkness.

Gobroz broke the silence:

"Now wot?"

"If I still had my teleporting powers, it would be easy. But..."

"Hmmm... Maybe there is some sort of switch or button on the other side?"

"Cud be. But how are we'z gunna get thar an' press it, flashgit Gobroz?"

Why did the boss always expect him to have an answer? Oh, right... smartboy.

"Dunno, boss."

The group stood there for a while... and Rakul then looked at Drakk. The sorcerer then nudged Nagosh.

"Wot?" Rakul pointed at the grot, "oooooh! But who?"

This time, Nebulon was the one who grinned.

"I'll do it."

Before Drakk knew what was happening, Nebulon caught him and held the grot like a javelin. The daemon then threw Drakk with all his might.

The gretchin flew through the air, limbs firmly together. He neatly passed over the chasm and then hit the ground, long nose first. He got up and looked around.

"Drakk! Find sum buttuny bit an' klik it!"

"Got it, boss!"

He spotted something akin to a small pedestal and walked over to it. A big green 'buttuny bit' was in front of him. He pressed it.

With a terrible racket, a bridge made out of a strange black metal appeared. The orcs and two chaos boys crossed over it.

"Gud job, Drakk."

"Fankz, Gobroz."

Another passageway was in sight, so they followed it.

******

On the surface, a peculiar case of organised chaos was going on. Fire warriors, guardsmen, heretical marines all kept running here and there, carrying supplies. It was strange what a crisis could do to enemies.

Carito was talking to a group of possessed:

"Whaddaya mean, your tentacle-arms ain't long enough to reach the bottom! I want you to make a rope!"

"Graaaaaarrggh! Hragaraaaaa!"

"Oh... not delicious."

Not too far:

"Maybe we could use sssssome crane from you guardiessssss."

"I'm afraid no crane has a long-enough reach for a hole of this epic deepness."

"Can't we just dig our way down there? That would be smashing fun."

"That would take weeks, even with the most advanced of the earth caste's technologies. The minerals in the mountains here are extremely durable."

"Damnit! We have to get Rakul, Nebulon and the stupid orks outta' there somehow!"

At the very edge of the hole sat Mithara. Her gaze was fixed downwards.

"Neby..."

******

The corridor yet again passed into a cave. But in this one, only the path could be seen, so they followed it still.

But soon, the sound of rapid footsteps reached their ears. They looked around, expecting something to come out of the darkness. But instead, a small spider sneaked beneath their legs. Only Drakk noticed it.

"Boss, look!"

All of them did. The small machine had several pieces of gadgetry, all resembling eyes. A spy. It wandered off into the dark.

"I see you haaaave arrived."

On the path ahead of them, two glowing green eyes appeared. The creature then stepped into the light.

Skeletal and awe-inspiring, to say the least. It was almost fully golden, save for the green mini-reactor in its chest, even though the metal it was made of was obviously something far more alien, since green energy coursed through it. A blue cape was on its back The scepter it held was adorned with glowing razor-sharp blades and part of it was a tube with gren energy flickering here and there.

Nagosh knew what that was, as did the rest.

"Skeletun-boy!"

"Necron... I should have known."

"Perhaaaps you should haaave, Rakul Manek. But now, it is too late to withdraaaw. Now... would you like to look around?"

Rakul seemed kinda uneasy about it knowing its name.

The question caught all of them off-guard. Gobroz spoke:

"Waddaya meen?"

"I aaaasked if you waaaanted to look around, ork flaaashgit Gobroz. I think this plaaaace is quite nice, but I need another oppinion."

"What kind of trick is this?!"

"No trick, Nebulon, bloodletter of Khorne. My eyes and eaaaars are everywhere," seemingly to illustrate its point, several of the spider-spies appeared, "I know aaaall."

"I'z still dun't know why you'z wud want us ta check out dis place."

"Well... I aaaaam lonely down here, waaarboss Nagosh Ubzug."

"Lonely?"

"Yes, lonely! I woke up from my imprisoning slumber two centuries ago... and none of my brethren did the same."

The Necron lord raised his staff and green orbs appeared all around them... showing sarcophagi-like objects.

"Okay... we'z outnumba'd."

"Boss obviuz strikez back. Wait, how comez you'z can talk? And who are ya?"

"Well... I caaall myself Tartaro. I never was a very obedient lord, you see."

Rakul raised an eyebrow under his helmet. How come he could say the 'A' in names normally?

"What do you mean? You killed too much?"

"That doesn't make sense, master."

"No, no, no! My kill-count waaaas fine. At first, anyway. But I started thinking... which should haaave been impossible." without warning, the lord started moving along the path and they followed, "I staaarted doubting my purpose... and the purpose of my brethren. After aaall, the living weren't all baaad. Like butterflies for exaaample. Butterflies aaare cute... aaanyway, I started slaaacking off, you could say. Stopped killing everything. I alwaaaays left a few living beings after my purificaaaations. Especially butterflies and some plaaaants."

"And your Stargods got angry, I presume?"

"Well, yes. Aaand they then locked me, along with the rest of my brethren, down here. We were the first to be sealed, in faaact."

"An' ya woke up?"

"Yes. Aaand I have been waaalking here and there for centuries, waiting for the rest."

"Dat'z not cul."

"Indeed."

During this conversation, Drakk spotted another pedestal, with a red 'buttuny bit' this time.

"Uhhh, wot'z dis do?"

Tartaro turned his mechanical head to the grot.

"Hmmm... I never noticed thaaat one."

Gobroz was amused:

"You'z didn't noteic it... in centureez?"

"My opticaaal receptors aaare not aaas good aaas they used to be. Click it."

And Drakk did so.

The panel flashed and ancient machinery started working. Raw energy was directed into the sarcophagi and their inhabitants started waking up. Their double-lids shot open and Necrons like no others emerged.

By looks, the automatons were like armoured humans. Helmet like heads, resembling those found on Imperial Stormtroopers, with a green line of an eye. Their feet resembled boots, their body had decorations on it. And their gauss flayers were compressed to the size of a large lasrifle.

"They live! THEY LIIIIIVE! My brethren! I'll haave to thank you more properly laaater."

The group was surprised, to say the least.

"Oy, deze ain't skeletun boyz!"

"Not aaanymore, waaarboss. I... upgraaaded them, you could saaay."

"How?"

"The C'Tan I served was the master of technology. The Void Dragon."

"Which is rumoured to be on Mars..." muttered Rakul to himself.

"Since I knew how to reshaaape them, I did. Took me a century, but the results are worth it. And these are my new Shockwarriors."

"What an original name..."

"Ummm... I wouldn't mock them right now, master."

Nebulon already counted a hundred at least. And more were coming to life by the minute.

"Wait... why didn't ya upgreid yerself."

"Well, Nagosh... I did not haaave the testicles for it... literaaally."

Gobroz was getting nervous.

"Okay... so, you'z got yourz frendz bak... can we'z go now?"

"Go? Where would you waaant to go?"

"To the surface. By the fastest route."

"I aaam afraaaid thaaat won't be possible. You see, while I have my brethren... I aaam not much of an AI prograaammer... they aaare still stupid."

"And what does that have to do with us?"

"You aaare going to keep me compaaany."

Rakul wanted to protest... but the warriors readied their gauss flayers, so he stayed silent.

Nagosh, however, did protest:

"Oy! I'z ain't gunna stay 'ere an' make companey fer sum bag o' irony bonez!"

"Aaand whaat caan you do about it?"

The big ork grinned.

"We'z challinge ya to a battle!"

The others replied with a 'What?!' or 'Wot?!'.

"Interesting."

"Yeh. Youz and four of yer boyz, agenzt us. You'z can pick da eventy bit. If we'z win, you'z gunna show us a wey outta 'ere. If youz win, we'll stay 'ere."

Tartaro was silent for a second, but then his eyes flashed.

"So be it. Follow me."

They followed Tartaro and four of his warriors, which the lord had somehow picked.

After a minute or two, they reached a small round room. Nagosh looked around. There wasn't much in there.

"Oy, dere ain't much roomzez fer fightin' 'ere."

"Who said we were gonna fight?"

"Wot?"

"I choose the event... and today... we're going to boogy!"

The floor started flashing in random colours and a disco ball appeared above them. The Necrons seemed ready.

The heroes seemed utterly confused.

"You've got to be kidding me..."

"He looks serious, master."

"I aaam. Three rounds."

"I am not going to do nonsense like this!" Rakul sat down on the cold ground.

"But master..."

"No, Nebulon. Not today."

Tartaro's voice hinted amusement:

"In thaaat caaase, let me intrpoduce you to the judges. Do not worry, they will judge faaairly."

Four spy-spiders crawled upon soledges above them, watching.

"Yeeeeeeeh, right..."

"Foolish waaarboss. We Necrons haaave our pride! In aaany caaase, let's get this staaarted!"

Tartaro was always the first to move and the others mimicked him.

The lord first made motions with his metallic fingers, resembling circles. He then rotated his upper half and then shot a ray of green lightning into the ceiling, the warriors shot their flayers instead. And he finished the whole debacle with another spin of the torso, this time the other way. The lord then pointed at them, as if challenging them.

"Dis ain't gunna end well..."

"Jus' try, boss. Youz too, Drakk."

"Right." said both.

Nagosh started flailing his arms around randomly. Drakk did the same. Gobroz facepalmed.

"Heheheheheh. Let us look aaat the results. First, us."

The spiders lifted these numbers: nine, nine, nine and... six? Nope, that was just turned upside down.

"And now uz..." the orks got: three, two, one and one.

"First round is ours! One more to go!"

Tartaro's confidence was starting to annoy Nebulon.

"Master..."

"No, Nebulon."

"Fine, if ya want to rot here, I don't care. I'm helping the orks."

The daemon stood up and was now with Nagosh and the rest.

"Fine..."

---

"Reaaady for round two, fools?"

"Yeh."

"Yeh."

"Yeh."

"Bring it."

"K-k-k-kombo breaka'!"

"Fine! Just waaatch this!"

And the 'Crons were at it again. Tartaro this time made slow, jerky movements with his body parts. To the left, to the right, to the ground. He was like some sorta' bugged machine. And since the five behind him copied, it was quite impressive. This time, he finished it with a lightning blast. And again pointed.

"Okay, no silly random stuff this time. Try to have a system!"

"Kay."

Nagosh made slashed with his choppa in all directions and then screamed:

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHH!!!!!" the caverns shook a bit.

Drakk stood on one of his handsk stood on one of his hands and did all sorts of moves with his legs and other arm.

Gobroz kept turning right round, baby, round, round, round, round

And then came Nebulon. The daemon rotated his axe in every direction and in every position.

But even these efforts combined could not bring victory... and he knew it.

"Make way for a sorcerer!"

Rakul stood up and ran next to Nebulon.

"Thank you, master."

"I just couldn't let you have all the fun!"

Small warpal flames appeared in his hands and he moved them in a circle, like Tartaro in round one. But after that, he added another small circle and a few movements... and in the air, a flaming mark of Tzeentch floated and then disappeared.

"Hmph! Not baaad. Let's see whaaat the judges thought. Necrons." the spiders again raised their pieces of paper. Nine, nine, nine and... eight. With a sign of 'Robot dance joke was not funny'. Tartaro wanted to frown.

"And now the winning side!"

When the first spider showed a nine, they rejoiced. A second and third nine brought them utter joy. And the last one made them just scream 'W00T!'.

The lord was just mad now.

"Grrrr.... do not gloaaat yet! One more round!"

"Winna' teiks all!"

"Yeh, boss."

Somehow, Drakk was already afraid.

"Bring it!"

"What Nebulon said!"

Tartaro said nothing more and merely started.

This time, the warriors did their own little robotic choreography, while their lord clasped his metallic hands together. An orb of energy appeared in them and a green mist soon filled the room. Tartaro then powered up the disco ball above and it sparkled all around. The lord then did an improvised moonwalk, followed a twenty second long spin. And this time, he finished it epicly. By somehow throwing away his cape and letting green lightnin g fill the room in a display of utter epicness and awesomesauce.

The heroes were amazed, but not discouraged. Nebulon called everyone closer and then whispered his 'battle plan' to them.

"I'z like dat!"

"Yeh, wot da boss sed!"

"Won't it be dangeruz?"

"No, Nebulon knows what he's doing... right?"

"Of course! Let's get luggin'!"

"My wordz exaktly! Let'z show 'em!"

They stood again next to each other. All were grinning, even though Rakul's grin was hidden by the sorcerer's helmet.

"Thaaat can't be good."

Nagosh started yet again:

"Ya bet it can't! Cuz da orkz is comin'!" he stomped his feet in a rhytm, "cuz we'z gunna shoot, stomp, chomp and smash! We'z da new WAAAAAAAGHHHHHH!!!!!"

He also slashed with his choppa and released a hailstorm of bullets from his arm-shoota.

Drakk did some mad break dancing... somehow.

Gobroz... pointed to the left... then to the right and finally to the sky, Elvis style. Epicness.

Rakul and Nebulon had a sorcerous show of flame and doombolts. Coolsville.

And then came the grand finale!

Nebulon leapt on top of Nagosh's shoulders. Rakul wall-jumped on top of Nebulon's. Gobroz jumped and was pulled up with Nebulon's help and Drakk... was thrown upward by Nagosh, hitting his head on the ceiling in the process. And so they stood, a tower of heroes.

And then they jumped down, one by one.

"Hmmm... I aaadmit, thaat waaas not haaalf baaad. But you shaaall still lose."

"We will see."

"Indeed, sorcerer. Results, pronto!"

Necrons got... ten, ten, ten and ten.

Tartaro already saw their defeat. He could feel it in the necromantel of his body... and then came their points. Four of the same number. Higher than nine. All four were... elevens.

Tartaro's jaw would have fallen to the floor, if it wasn't firmly attached. The five started jumping in victory. When their little celebration ended, Nagosh spoke:

"Hahahahaaaah! We'z win! Now, youz gunna teik us to da surfeic!"

"Ohhhhh.... fine... and I'll stay here for eternity... alone."

They all suddenly felt sad about the skeleton's situation... the poor guy only wanted friends. And Rakul spoke, wisdom with him:

"Well, there isn't reallky anything, that would keep you from emerging on the surface, is there?"

After this, the lord's eyes flashed.

******

The (inevitably failing) rescue plans were still under way, when part of the mountain near them collapsed. And from it, a metallic force before unseen rushed forward, seemingly ready to destroy all in their path.

The forces outside readied their minimal forces... when there came the roar of a certain ork. And out from the entrance came Three orks, a Necron lord a sorcerer and a Bloodletter champion could be seen among the supposed Necrons.

Nagosh waved over to a certain command post, along with Rakul. Three Chaos lords, a Tau commander and a bald human were more than surprised.

But one creature of the whole lot didn't give a damn about the whole Necron army. That creature, was a daemonette by the name of Mithara.

She ran straight for him, knocking away any warrior slow enough to not dodge in time. Unfortunately... warboss Nagosh Ubzug was also in her way. And somehow, she effortlessly picked the ork up and threw him in a certain direction, where he impacted a Tau battlesuit.

She then threw her arms around her knight in black fur. He looked downwards, she looked upwards. A tear was in her eye.

"Don't you ever... EVER... scare me like that again, Nebyyyy!"

"I won't, my little cutie, I won't."

The rest watched the romantic scene. Gobroz and Rakul let out tears of manliness.


	5. Da new threatzez

The heroes and supposed villains sat in the planetary defence centre, while outside, there was chaos. Both metaphorically and literally. Berzerkers, plague marines, noise marines, guardsmen and members of both the fire and earth castes ran and walked around, removing pieces of wreckage from the landscape, while rubrics, commanders and every type of Necron just stood by idly. Chaos was getting ready to depart.

Rakul looked over his comrades, 'dance-mates' and the Tau and guardie commanders.

"I must say, this was definitely more pleasant than our last little meeting."

"Yeh, I'z cudn't agree more, right flashgit Gobroz?"

"Yeh, was smashin' fun, I fink. Say, Teivoz, wot'z Darug doin'? I'z haven't seen 'im since we left."

The commander scratched his helmet for some reason.

"To tell the truth, I don't have the foggiest idea. I just know he locked himself up in one of our smaller armories."

"Weyrd."

Carito burst into the room, full of energy.

"DELICIOUS!"

"What is delicious, Carito?"

"Well, Rakul, these 'Crons are very good lifters, if I can say so myself. Two of them just carried a Devilfish carrier to maintenance."

"Cool. Now get back to work."

"Right away!"

As the slaaneshi left, Rakul heard Nebulon shout some insults at Sangus and vice versa. Something about dropping hammers on feet. He then turned to Tartaro.

"Say, what are you and your... guys, planning on doin?"

"Well... I suppose we could dig up one of our Tombships. But I have no ideaaa about where we would go. So, if the kind governor and generaaal would truly let his kindness show and let us staaay for a while, we would be indebted to him."

Ulix massaged his shiny scalp.

"If they do not cause any trouble, I can't see what the problem is."

"Thaaank you."

******

"Tzeentchey, was that planned?"

"Yeah, birdbrain, tell us. TELL US."

"Well... no. But it could have gone worse."

"Yeah. Instead of Necrons, they could have faced pink unicorns."

"Oooooh, that sounds pretty."

"So," Nurgle coughed up a few nurglings, who ran away, taking a chess figure with them, "what now?"

"Well, it would seem that any conflict there shall be avoided."

Suddenly, a booming voice echoed throughout the fortress:

"I'z 'ave sum oda' newz." through one of the walls, there came a massive entity. Green like the race it was the god off, almost completely encased in a suit of 'Ultra-mega-giga-awesum armour', which was bloodier than even Khorne's. Its right hand a massive giga klaww and the left the biggest shoota this side of reality. Its horns scraped the ceiling and its two eyes were cyber implants, "'ullo, boyz an' gal."

None of them was really impressed. After all, this happened pretty regularly. Khorne spoke:

"Hey, Gmork. How's it going?"

"Aaah, ya know. Smashin', stompin', shootin'. But dat'z not why I'z 'ere."

All six of the Changer's eyes were on him.

"And why are you here?"

"Haven't ya felt sumfin' weird comin' to dat little planety bit? From over the edgy of dis 'ere Milky weyz?"

"How could I? Even the reach of my servants' has its limits... unlike you orks. You're everywhere!"

"Precizely! An' mah boyz 'ave been fightin' dem bug boyz. An' dem bug boyz won an'... dey'z evolved."

Tzeentch was silent.

"Tzeentchey, is that bad?"

"Bird brain?"

The Changer finally spoke:

"Spores?"

"Yeh. An' even dough deyz dun't 'ave it parfectid yet, since da sporeez die too early, dey'z cud meik it work... in time."

"Hmmm... and they are heading for the ork-populated fringe?"

"Uhhh... nah."

"Well... that is good news, but how come?"

"Well, da bug boyz got sucked up into sum of dem rifty bitz. Dey'z heddin' fer dat planety bit call'd Carridio."

Silence.

"Are you serious?"

"Yeh, da rifty bit was pretty clear 'bout da direktun, fer once. Dey'z very strong, since mah boyz were lotsa' before getting' eeten. Da bug boyz still look 'ungry, dough."

Tzeentch stood there for a moment and then started walking.

"Come with me, we need to make a call."

******

Rakul stood before the loading ramp of a Chaos shuttle, which was ready for liftoff. He looked at the ones who stood there, seeing the Chaos boys off. Tau, guardies, Tartaro and the orks. And that little black ball of a pet. Somehow, it was touching.

He exchanged one last look with his 'nemesis', Nagosh Ubzug. The ork grinned and he waved him, if only as a mild show of respect after such kick-arse dancing. He then turned, wanting to enter the small craft... when a searing pain entered his mind. His eyes flshed in a blue hue and he went to his knees, clutching his head.

"Master?!"

"Rakul?!"

"What'sss happening?"

"Not delicious!"

Amazingly, Nagosh also had the starnge fit of pain, only his eyes flashed red.

"Boss!"

"Boss!?"

"Nagosh?!"

And a little roar from Ugu.

******

Both the ork and the sorcerer flew through space at unfathomable speeds. Images of countless realms and worlds sped past them, letting them only see what was within for a few seconds.

Cultists performing bizarre rituals, Eldar crying around a dead tree, Daemonettes... doing stuff, spess mahreens playing the uber-cool and new Warcraft miniature game and many others. Finally they flew straight into the Eye of Terror and beyond.

They suddenly appeared in a large round chamber, the walls of which changed colour and design. Two massive entities stood before them. A three headed avian and a massive ork. Rakul new one personally and the other was bound to be Gork or Mork.

"Hey there... Tzeench."

The sorcerer was annoyed, to say the least.

"Uhhh, heheh... hey, Rakul. Long time no see, eh?"

"Yeah, ever since ya tricked me from earning a well-earned reward two months back. Well, I don't know if it was two months, since time always gets weird in this place."

Tzeentch touched his leftmost head... kinda' scared.

"Eheh... yeah. Anyway, this is Gmork."

The huge ork-god waved to them.

"Wot? Dere ain't Gork and Mork? Only Gmork?"

"Yeh, well, ya see... kunnin' brutalitey and brutal kunnin' can still be master'd by one oy or sumfin'. But don't tell any of da boys. I'z like watching a gud fight between Morka's and Gorka's... smashin' fun!"

"Okay, why have you two called us here? To tell us some old stories?"

"Actually... no. There's a certain threat heading towards Carridia."

"Pink unicorns?"

"Nah, but ol' Khorno boy sed dat! Worz! Tyranidy bug-boyz is comin' ta kill everyfin'! Dey'z have sum specul orky DNA bitz in 'em, dat, in tiem, will let 'em make sporezez."

"So... they'll be able to replicate like orks?!"

"Yes. If they have enough time to perfect the new genus. After that, we would face a self-replicating, infinite horde of tyranids, which could just stay on a world for some time to get new biological material."

"Dat can't be gud."

"And it ain't, little orky boss."

"Damn..."

"Indeed. They pose a threat as great, if not greater, as all of the legions of Chaos combined... they could probably assault the Eye of Terror itself!"

"And wot can wez do?"

"Da bug-boy fleety bit is still 'just' a normal fleety bit. Wif sum 'elp, youz just might be able to stop it."

"We'z have ta help!"

"Also, Rakul... if your little joint-fleet can defeat this new threat... I could arrange rewards beyond your wildest dreams."

"Hmmm... I am interested. But we shall still need aide. Even with the Necrons..."

"Indeed, sorcerer. This threat must not be underestimated."

"Yeh. It's betta' ta be ova'killy, den not killy enuf."

"Accept aid from whatever source... just destroy the hive fleet, which we have, for your comfort, dubbed Hive Fleet Haxxor."

"Yeh. Do dat, 'cuz oda'wize, not even da green powah will be enuf ta stop dese."

"Indeed. Now, go! You must quickly get as much aid as possible."

The two leaders disappeared.

"I'z hope deyz can do it."

"Same here, my grammatically impaired friend."

******

After they both woke up... true chaos began. Rakul said the Servants of the Four were staying put and then called Nebulon for a little private debate, while Nagosh demanded a 'Kommunikatunz bit'. When the rest learned of the new Tyranid threat... they were at first sceptical, but the serious attitude of the two leaders soon made them change their minds.

"You called, master?"

Rakul sat in a chair in a now-chaos controlled imperial guard barracks.

"Yes. But we must first wait for..." the door to the room opened and Mithara entered, her pink skin shiny, "aaaah, excellent."

"Hullo, Neby."

"Hi, cutie. Rakul, what are you planning?"

"I'm planning on making some calls to certain people who might aid us. But, I want you two to get some more... warpal aid."

"What do you mean?"

"You two must go into the warp and round up every daemon who can aid us. Form an army and bring it here."

The two warpal creatures looked at each other. Being together would be a gift.

"When should we leave?"

"Ideally, now. Good luck."

"Hold out 'till we get back, eh?"

"Yeah, Rakul. You've been like a big brother to me little old pretty me."

"I will."

Nebulon and Mithara then disappeared in that trademark purple cloud. Now... who to call first? Oh! Abbadon! Yeah, the Black Legion could certainly help! He concentrated his psychic energies and reached out towards his target... somewhere in the Eye of Terror.

---

Inside Abbadon's main planning room, along with the usual Chosen Terminators, there also stood a sorcerer, Marin. And he felt the psychic signal sent out by one of similar power. And he accepted the 'call', answering with his mind.

"Hello?"

"Hey... I know that voice! Marin!"

"Rakul? Oh, what a joyous coincidence!"

Marin already felt better. Old buddies from the siege of Terra do that.

"I see you got a few promotions."

"Yeah, well... kinda'. Why ya callin'?"

"Well, me and my little fleet are in some trouble with some approaching Tyranids and we were wondering if Abbadon could lend us some help? This fleet's a big one."

"Ummm..." Marin looked over to Abbadon, who was devising military strategies for his next grand crusade, "I'm sorry, but he is preoccupied."

"With what?"

"Next crusade. Plus, I'm not really sure Cadians would let us pass."

"Can't you even try?"

"Rakul... trust me. You don't want his help."

"Huh?"

"Seriously, mate. You don't."

"But..."

"Cancelling conversation"

Marin then watched as Abbadon p-laced even more small miniatures of battle tanks onto the table.

"Yes, yes, yes! If we have more tanks than infantry, the imperial bastards will be helpless! FOOLPROOF!"

Marin sighed at Failabbadon's greatest strategies.

---

Okay... that was weird. But maybe someone else could help? Like Ahriman! Such a great guy, that! He again sent a psychic signal.

---

The most awesome character in the whole Warhammer universe, Ahriman of the Thousand Sons, and his feared cabal blasted their way through yet another place with hidden artefacts of the Warp. The strange beasts that stood in their way were made out of pure stone and came in all shapes and sizes. But the cabal was unstoppable and soon entered the deepest chamber of the sealed crypt.

There, on a pedestal, laid a blue book, undoubtedly filled with vast knowledge. But then, the great Ahriman received a psychic 'poke' and answered it:

"What is it?"

"Ahriman? Rakul here?"

"Oh, hey. Long time no hear. What's the matter?"

"Me and my fleet would require help against some Tyranids. Ya up for it?"

"Sure, sounds like fun. Where are ya?"

"Carridia, mid-west."

"Oh, that's a bummer. We're way over at the eastern fringe of known space. Would probably take us too long."

"Damn..."

"I know. But hey, maybe we could meet afterwards, on some fringe colony, talk about old times."

"Yeah, sure. Later."

The 'poking' had ended. Such a nice guy, that Rakul. The two had known each other since the times of Thousand Sons recruits... good times.

Ahriman snapped out of those sentimental thoughts And grabbed the blue tome.

"Interesting... 'Nine hundred and ninety-nine ways to turn a Horror daemon into a delicious meal'. We've hit the jackpot, boys!"

Th entire cabal screamed in joy. Some also drooled.

---

He was steadily running out of options. After being turned down by the Daemon Prince Sindri Myr, maybe because Rakul had given him a wedgie sometime during the Heresy, his primarch Magnus, who said he didn't have time for spraying bugs with chemicals, and the rogue psyker, who he knew from one of those Pre-Crusade parties and the one who said his regiment was busy with defiling imperial relics and fighting nuns, he was pretty much out of options.

"Okay... I have no one else to call directly. I suppose I'll just send a psychic signal into space, hoping that someone will hear it. Only thing I can do right now."

He concentrated for one last time and sent a psychic message in every direction. He didn't care who picked it up, as long as they would help.

******

The Biel-Tan Craftworld was silent. Its white wraithbone halls empty, save for the occasional guard. But one of the inner gardens was not empty. There, among the myriad of strange and beautiful plants, stood a farseer. A farseer with long flaming hair and three red stripes on each of her cheeks. Dressed in a green ceremonial robe, she just stood there, using telekynesis to water plants. Having psychic powers had its more subtle advantages, after all.

And then, she felt a psychic poke. It felt strange, somehow dark. But she accepted it.

"To anyone who can hear me. I am a sorcerer, Rakul Manek, "wasn't that the one Ash'nu said they had fought against? She listened further, "us and a few unlikely allies would require anti-tyranid aid on the planet Carridia in the Cartalon system," a plea for help? This one would mean their destruction, "we are setting up a defensive, along with some orks, tau, necrons and guardsmen, but even our forces here are not enough. We beg of you, aid us."

The psychic signal faded. That had caught her by surprise. And the sorcerer's voice was somehow... calming.

"How did thoughts like that emerge? No matter... the others must know of this."

And so, farseer Macha of Biel-Tan, walked towards the Seer chambers, warp-bent on waking everyone up.

******

The ork fort... camp... thing was bristling with life. Boys were running in every possible direction, towing large pieces of metal with them. Some would be confused by such behaviour, but not dok Grimog. For he knew what the boys were building. A gift for ol' Darug, whose fifty-third birthday was just around the corner. A massive gift, too. Though, the smaller mekboys-in-training were having a bit of trouble with the construction, they were getting the hang of it.

After some running, the dok finally got to the 'Kommunikasunz roomzy fing'. A light on the ceiling was flashing and some other thing was beeping, though, Grimog couldn't tell which, since there was a lot of strange things in that room. Darug made such wonderful things. He kicked it and soon saw two green faces. Nagosh and Gobroz.

"Boss! Gobroz! You'z okey!"

"Yeh, fer now. Listen, Grimog. I'z need ya ta go to da ol' chaosy forty bit. Go into da lowa' chamberzez."

"Boss? Why do ya want 'im ta go dere?"

"Yeh, boss?"

"All will be explaineed when ya get dere! Now, go!"

"Okay, boss!"

Without questioning, the dok kicked the device once more and ran off at the speed of... a running ork.

---

It took him almost an hour to reach the place, even with a trukk. The little ork walked through the now-demolished gatehouse and entered the inner keep. He had a shoota', choppa' and some of his battle brew, but he was still a bit afraid. He walked downwards, thanks to the incredible invention that are stairs, and stopped before a large purple door. He knocked and it fell down.

"Oy, dese Chaos boys shud meik deir dorrzez orky-proof."

When he entered the chamber, he looked to the right... and then upwards, his jaw on the ground.

******

And the terrible Hive Fleet Haxxor flew through the Warp. Tzeentch and the rest threw daemons at it, but the horde could not be stopped. They followed the directives of the Hive Mind without question... well, almost.

For there was one little critter who didn't want to have anything to do with war. He just wanted someone to play with.

*******

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	6. Squishin dem bugz

Digging up a mere part of Tartaro's massive tombship took the defenders several hours. And it would probably take much more. Down at dig-level, five heroes stood. Rakul, Nagosh, Gobroz,

"Tartaro?"

"Yes, Rakul Manek?"

"You can just call me Rakul. Also... why exactly can't the damned thing just fly upwards? I thought Necron technology always worked!"

"Well, yeaaah. But this one was pretty much deaaactivated by the Void Dragon itself. So, we pretty much have to maaanuaaaly turn it back on."

"Figures."

They stood there silently for a few more minutes. But then, one of them, the biggest ork, got tired of all the waiting.

"Let me frough!"

"Whaaat aaare you...?"

The diggers listened to the ork and moved away. Nagosh made his way to the dug up part, threw away his axe, grabbed it... and started lifting. First a foot, then a yard. After that, a mountain near them started collapsing, revealing the ship's pyramid-like accessory. Tartaro's lower jaw broke off and fell to the ground.

"Holy guaaacaaamole!"

"Green gorkamorka'!"

"Unholy power sword in Tzeentch's backside!"

"May the Ethereals protect us..."

The large ork then bashed the craft's plating and it somehow reactivated, flying a mile above ground.

"Dat'z 'ow ya fix fingz da orky way!"

******

In another couple of hours, all space crafts were grouped above the planet's surface, ready to stall the hive fleet for as long as possible. After a brief card game, the commanders on ground level decided the the Thousand Sons' cruiser, 'Magic Pwns', would be designated as the newly-made fleet's flagship. Tartaro was almost certain Rakul had cheated.

On ground level, parts of the Necron army had been relocated to assist in the defence of strategic locations, including cities, military outposts, shrines, comm arays and McEmperor's chains. With them were squads of troops and vehicles. From guardsmen to Fire Warriors. From Basilisks to Hammerhead gunships.

The least defended point was Eagle hill. The whole location was simply a large bottleneck, where Tyranid forces could be easily grouped together and destroyed. Still, it was undermanned, so the commanders had made their main base of operations there, providing a morale boost and some extra heavy firepower. Except for Ulix and Teivos, who had stayed behind to organise the defence of their respective halves of the planet. That left three orks, a squig, a Necron lord and four servants of four gods to defend the hill. Oh, Eimmoc, too.

Nagosh and Gobroz stood together, watching the forces below. Muskit and Ugu playing tag, Rakul, Sangus, Mortus and Carito just chatting with their troops. Eimmoc polishing his pulse rifle.

Fire Warriors laughing at guardsmen testing their flashlights, the shots of which made a rat scratch its back. An almost tranquil sight. But Gobroz still seemed sad.

"Don'tcha worry, flashgit Gobroz! I'z sure Darug can fix yer shooty fing."

"Yeh, boss... woteva'."

******

Many miles away, Darug kicked down the armoury's doors, startling nearby Fire Warriors. After learning what was going on, he immediately set course for Eagle hill. This was one surprise Gobroz would like.

******

In orbit, Akitol was in control of the entire fleet. And he was a bit nervous. Nonetheless, when a massive rift in space and time appeared before them, his commands came with uncanny speed:

"Okay, this is it! Destroy as many of the damned ships as possible!"

A hundred approvals and acknowledgements could be heard throughout the communications network.

As the first signs of the Tyranid bioships came, the fleet moved into attack positions, with the massive tombship at the head of the assault. More and more of the monstrous crafts appeared from the swirling warpal vortex. And the countless ships exchanged fire with the defenders. Spores, missiles, massive spikes, beams of uncountable colours and many others flew through the void of space.

The defenders did their best, but Akitol was forced to signal a tactical retreat. Otherwise known as the 'OH MY GOD, THEY'RE TOO MANY AND WE'RE GONNA' GET OUR ARSES RIPPED IN HALF IF WE DON'T RUN' command.

The ships remained at the edge of 'Nid space, occasionally making small runs against the bioships. But they could not stop the inevitable invasion.

******

Unspeakable hordes of bugs were sent to the surface. Every point of the planet was facing countless of the Devourer's creatures. And unbeknowst to our heroes, the largest batch was moving towards Eagle hill.

- - -

The legion was coming, their carapace blood red, their skin dark blue. Countless maws were opened, countless talons ready to sink into flesh. And over half a mile in front of the defensive postions, stood Ugu and Muskit, with the greatest plan ever.

"Okay. Go, Ugu!"

The little squig ran further towards the approaching horde. A Warrior in the front sent a psychic signal to the rest of the horde, saying 'STOP!'. The thousands of creatures stopped right there. And Ugu roared at them. Another Warrior came to the front and the pair of synapse creatures looked at each other. And their jaws produced a sort of cackling sound. Soon, the small gaunts joined in, producing a sort of cacophony.

Ugu was not pleased. His tiny legs bent and he leaped into the air, teeth ready. He flew over the pair of Warriors, who stared upwards, utterly amazed, and landed on a Carnifex several feet behind them. On its head, to be precise, teeth first.

The massive beast went into a pain-filled frenzy, stomping on smaller creatures and slashing in every direction with its blades, beheading both of the Warriors with a single such attack. The small gaunts below were thrown into chaos and started clawing and shooting each other. Ugu let go of the monster's head and the 'Fex crashed into a large pile of rocks. The little squig then used the small 'Nids below as trampolines and hopped towards Muskit.

The slugga boy caught the little guy and immediately started running in the opposite direction.

"Gud work, squiggy! Youz gonna' get extra meaty bitz tonight."

A licking of a green cheek showed the squig's joy.

After the brief show of Chaos, five more Warriors restored order. And the horde continued onward, seemingly unstoppable.

Rakul stood behind the first defensive line, ready to fire a doombolt.

"Okay. Remember, kill the big ones and we gain a few seconds for breathing! Let none pass!"

"We'z won't! WAAAAAAAGHHHHHHH!!!!"

Soldiers of four factions unleashed volleys of fire against the approaching hordes. The battle would surely be epic.

******

Gobroz sat behind the last line, since he had no weapon to attack with. And fighting those things in hand-to-hand combat hardly seemed ideal. And his thoughts drifted into the distant past, to the times when he had gotten the first version of his favorite shoota'.

- - - - -

It was a sunny day in the ork fort... camp... thing. And a fine day for orky school, where the youngest of the orkies could learn the basics of battlefield stompin'. Classes included Smashin', Choppin', Stompin', Screamin', Shootin' and many others.

And while Nagosh attended most of the aforementioned classes, Gobroz only needed one, since he was already more cunning and smarter than everyone else. And that class was Shootin'.

The relatively small group of sixteen orks sat on small piles of scrap metal, which had been given to the school by mek Dargod, who had already found a technical rival in a young ork named Darug.

In front of the small group were many blackboards with all sorts of drawings. And their teacher, Hagrun Gunkilla', a former Deathskull and expert Loota'.

"Okay, kiddoz. Today, we'z gunna' talk about gun-typez. Now, before we getz to da true, orky gunz, I'z gunna' talk 'bout gunz da oda' raceez use. Any questunz?" one hand was raised, "yeh, Logzob?"

"Can Iz 'ave mah pen bit back?"

"Wot pen bit? Da one Iz 'ave 'az been mine fer yeerz! Anywayz, let'z get started!" the teacher moved to the leftmost blackboard, a small metallic stick in hand, "now, first, come da 'umie gunz." the board was completely filled with drawings of bolters, shotguns, sniper rifles etcetera, "da 'umiez is stoopid, 'cuz deyz 'ave all dese gunz. An' dey neva' know which ta use when, so deyz always muckin' about. And we shoot 'em when deyz muckin' about. Simple as dat. Got dat?"

"Yeh, teech!" said the whole class.

"Gud!" he moved to another board, "now come da gitz wif dem pointy eerz. Wot dey called?"

"Eldurz."

"Oh, yeh! Dat'z right! Fankz, Gobroz! Well, deyz all use some hot thingyz in deir gunz, or deyz shoot beamy stuff. Or rokkitz. Da darky Eldurz are more fun ta fight, dough. Anyway, dat'z dat. Kay?"

"Kay! Now come da skeletun boyz. Dose only 'ave one gun, so deyz never muckin' about. And deyz fun ta fight. Also, da gun is pretty an' green, so skeletun boyz are cool." the whole class stared at the badly drawn gauss flayer. It seemed quite deadly, "Hmmm... wot next? Chaos boyz use da same as oda' 'umiez, but deyz 'ave daemunz, so deyz funner ta fight! Uhhh... bug boyz use icky stuff. Oh, woteva', let'z get ta our gunz already!"

"Yaaaaaaaay!"

"Now, unlike most 'umiez fink, we'z use only five typez a' gunz. Dese are easy ta unda'stand, so wez can fight anywhere, anytime."

"Oooooooooh!"

"Mah wordz exactley! Now," the stick moved onto a shoota'-picture, "da smallist typez a' gunz are shooty gunz. Deyz only gud egenst squishy bitz," he now pointed at images of an imperial guardsman and a tyranid gaunt, "sluggaz and shootaz are fine exampulz of shooty gunz. Da secod categorey are bigga' shooty gunz," the drawing looked like a big shoota', if one would use their imagination, "yeh, gunz like dat are 'eavy shootaz. Deyz gud fer killin' squishy bitz, but can also kill da mahreeneyz and can make dentz in tankz and metal bawxez," the stick pointed at a space marine, a Leman Russ tank and then a Rhino transport, "den come rokkit gunz." the image just showed a big rocket, "yeh, dese are gud egenst tankz and metal bawxez, but youz can;t take dat much ammo bitz wif ya, so it ain't so gud fer killin' squishy bitz."

"Yehyehyehyeheyeheyeh!" they shouted while nodding.

"Excellent! Now come me favorite gunz. Beamy gunz!" above a thick yellow line, letters said 'Beamy bit', "dese are da best gunz. Deyz kill squishy bitz, deyz kill mahreeneyz, deyz kill tankz an' metal bawxez. And youz neva' ru outta' ammo bitz."

"Why, teach?"

"Well, Snagron, youz just hafta' let da fingy in da gun recharge. Afta' dat, youz can shoot egen. Dough, deyz a bit slow ta shoot. Hmmm? Yes, Gobroz?"

"An' wot'z da last type?"

"Oh, right. Da last type a' gunz, are Dakka gunz." the image was so big, it almost couldn't fit on the blackboard, "well, deyz kill anyfin', too. An' make great noise while doin' dat. Hmmm... if dey didn't need reloadin', I'd get one, in fact. Anyway, Loota deffgunz, da kustom shootaz flashgitz 'ave, dose are Dakka gunz. Now, Iz 'ave a surprise fer ya."

"Yaaaaaaaaaayyyyy!!!"

"Surpise quizy bit!" the class was full of horror... except for Gobroz, "an' da one who does best," everyone I the room looked at the future flashgit, "will get a specul sumthin'! Now, let'z get dese papa'z to ya..."

The papers were given. All of the orks moved their pen-holding hands rapidly, trying to be first. But Gobroz had finished in five minutes. This time included trying to make his pen write. And when the tests were assembled, Hagrun went straight for Gobroz's test. And his eyes went wide.

"Wot'z da matta'? Gobroz made a mistakey bit?!"

There was utter silence.

"Nah. In facty, he corrected one a' me questunz... I guess he winz! Dismissed!"

When the other orks left, tears still in their eyes, Hagrun took out the prize. Gobroz was left speechless. A huge, shiny, silver kustom shoota'.

"Dat'z...?!"

"Yeh! Dis is your rewardy bit! Take care of it! An' between da two of us, I just needed ta get rid of it."

"Why?"

"Its owna' ain't happy."

"Oh, well... see ya lata', teach!"

Gobroz ran out of the classroom and almost immediately met Nagosh and Muskit, coming out of the Smashin' classroom.

"Oy! Gobroz! Fine gun ya 'ave dere!"

"Fankz, Muskit! Teach gave it ta me! Flasgit Dakka gun!"

"So, youz a flashgit now?"

"I suppose, Nagosh."

The largest ork of the trio grinned.

"Flashgit Gobroz... heh, dat soundz gud."

"Yeh. Let'z go get sum squig pie!"

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh!"

And the three ran off, ready to bure their teeth into a delicious meal.

******

And so, the shootaless flashgit sat there, sat. And suddenly, an armoured boot appeared in his field of vision. He looked up to see Darug... carrying an item only too dear to Gobroz. But it looked quite different, in a very good way.

"Darug! Is dat...?!"

"Yeh! Dis is yer shoota'! Iz upgreded it a bit, dough."

A bit was an understatement. The base of the gun looked like a gattling cannon, with bits added from Tau pulse rifles. O that, there was something which looked like a flamethrower, but with some kind of added firing chamber or whatnot. And a large, second barrel could also be found.

"It'z incredibul..."

"Yeh. Youz can shoot da pulsey stuff, but also 'ave two more weaponz. Do firespitta', as I called it, which can spit flamey stuff for up to a hundred yardzez. And dis oda' fing, is a beamy gun."

"How'd ya get da beamy stuff?"

Darug thought about telling he he just miiaturized a Tau Hammerhead's weapon... while turning the rest of the hovertank into scrap metal, but decided not to.

"Secwet. Now, I'z gonna stand 'ere. Show me wot dis gun can do!"

"Fankz, Darug!"

Gobroz ran off and soon made his way to the first defense line. Everyone stared at his shoota' in awe. When Rakul and Nagosh spotted the gun, they were more than in awe.

"Flashgit Gobroz... dat'z one big gun!"

"Yeah... get it over here and start shooting!"

"Gladly!"

Gobroz put the gun down on some sandbags. A few gaunts before the defense line froze in place. Ad with a single pull of a trigger, Hell was unleashed. Uncoutable pulse rounds tore into the horde, mercilessly destroying anything in their path. Gobroz then clicked a secod button and a ball of flame was shot.

The fireball flew over the main horde and hit a certain, now-blind Carnifex in the face. The whole beast was set aflame and proceeded to go into a rampage, again. It even stepped on a Zoanthrope.

And with a third click, a red beam, which was faster than any other beam, because, you know, it was red, so it was actually faster than light (take that, science!), shot from the weapon ad annihilated a Warrior's head.

"Dat gun is dead killy!"

"Yeh, boss! Hahahaaaaaah! DAKKA DAKKA DAKKAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!"

"He is losing it."

"Definitely."

But the Hive Mind recognized this new threat. And concentrated its forces into the heroes' area, while still leaving enough other creatures to keep the rest of the defensive positions busy.

And unbeknowst to even the Hive Mind, reinforcements were coming.

******

Several Biel-Tan strike craft remained cloaked above the planet's surface, merely watching the hive fleet unload its massive cargo against the defenders, while the considerably smaller fleet was doing hit and run attacks. But overall, the Tyranids appeared to be winning.

On the strike fleet's command cruiser, Farseer Macha watched the situation, along with a couple of Warlocks and several hand-picked Exarchs. The Farseer gripped her Singing Spear and asked:

"Ash'nu, have we been able to contact them through one of their communication devices?"

"We have picked up a signal from one device. One that is close to the most plentiful Tyranid horde. But it seems, that the battle is too fierce for anyone to respond."

"Can we at least get a visual?"

"Yes."

The screen flickered to life... and showed a golden Necron lord, casually stabbing a Ravener in the head.

"Stupid things... maaaybe this is why they waaanted the universe free of life. No, waaait, they were just hungry."

"A talking Necron?!" Screamed or thought all in the room.

The skeleton's head then looked at the screen, noticing small flashing lights.

"Uhhhh... I wonder whaaat thaaat means. Hey, Rakul!"

The sorcerer was in the background, showering gaunts with doombolts.

"Busy!"

"But... this thingy is flaaashing."

"Why didn't ya say so?"

Macha was surprised, as well as the other Eldar.

"That is the voice, which asked for aid."

"Hmmm... the sorcerer from Akhalam. What does this mean?" the Thousand Son came closer and clicked a button. But there was no surprised reaction, "was he expecting us?"

The truth was quite different.

"Sangus! Throw me something sharp and pointy, this damned thing ain't working!"

"Kay. Caaaaatch!"

A claw, which had previously belonged to a Ravener, neatly flew into Rakul's hand and the sorcerer pierced some piece of machinery. Tartaro was intrigued.

"Whaaat aaare you doing?"

"It's called field repairs! Now I just have to..." a single kick and the pierced machine lit up, along with the screen on their side, "that's bette... woah! Eldar!"

"Most interesting. Now, I'm going to hunt more of those snaaake things. Their body can bend in the most peculiaaar aaangles."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Okay... uhhh. Could you send a guardian or two, I'm sure..." suddenly, a small Termagant leaped at him from the side, trying to sink its claws into him, "why you little piece of!" the critter was grabbed, charged with warp energy and then thrown like a grenade, exploding in the midst of the horde, "owned! Now, where were we... wait... I've seen you somewhere, Warlock."

"That is a possibility, sorcerer."

"Yeah... you kicked my arse back on Akhalam, right?"

"Perhaps. But how did you...?"

"Cool. Listen. Help us!"

"Why should we, servant of Chaos?"

"Oh, for crying out... Nagosh!"

As that name was said, the Warlock and three Exarchs became a bit more worried about the situation down there. A huge ork suddenly came into, carrying a Carnifex.

"Wot is it?"

"These are your acquaintances, right?"

"Lemme' see!" the warboss threw the Carnifex, which rolled on the ground for over fifty yards, crushing all in its path, and then came to the screen, "oy! Pointy 'elmetz! Ash'nu!"

"How do you know it's me?"

"You'z got dat weird 'orn on yer pointy 'elmet. Iz haven't seen any oda' pointy 'elmet wif it."

"I guess that makes sense..."

Suddenly, a scream could be heard:

"DAKKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!"

"Uh oh... Iz fink flashgit Gobroz has lost it."

"Brilliant deductive mind, warboss. So, will ya help us?"

Before an answer could come, Muskit's voice came:

"Boss! Icky bit, comin' yer way!"

"Oh, Tzeentch!"

The transmission was suddenly cancelled.

The Warlock stood there for a while.

"I'm going down there."

Macha immediately looked at the Warlock.

"For whom? A band of orks?"

"That band of orks was probably the reason we won on Akhalam. And I'm going to help them. Who else is with me?"

A brief silence Then, three Exarchs stepped from the group. A Howling Banshee, a Warp Spider and a Swooping Hawk.

"We'll go!" they said in unison.

"I wanna' see Ugu again!"

"Old friends need helping."

And the spider just nodded. Macha was, somehow, surprised. Why hadn't she seen this coming?

"Fine, then. You three, take squads of your respective warrior shrines. Ash'nu, you take two more Dire Avenger squads. I shall join you, as well."

"Join us, Farseer?"

"Something about that sorcerer is strange. I shall observe him closely."

"Understood. Move out!"

And so, the Eldar entered the fray, bringing their sneeze-destroyable tanks and psychic powers to bear on the enemy.

******

An ancient Webway gate near Eagle hill suddenly came to life, sending forth a small host of Eldar. Macha watched the battlefield below, her wraithbone armour shining, while Ash'nu devised a battle plan.

"Okay, me, the Farseer and the Dire Avengers will make our way down this path. Banshees, go ahead of us and clear any opposition. Hawks and Spiders, strike fast and hard."

"Got it."

The Hawks flew into the air and rained death at the bugs below, while the Spiders warped just behind the first defence line, startling defenders and bolstering defences.

Gobroz was busy being insane and showering enemy troops, until a certain Spider Exarch came close and slapped him.

"Ow! Wot was dat for?!"

"To snap you out of it. Long time no see."

"Lokan! Youz talkin'!"

"Only occasionally. Now, let's get back to shooting, shall we?"

"Gladly!"

Muskit was clobbering a group of gaunts, while Ugu kept jumping on Warriors' heads. But then, the little squig noticed a familiar entity. Somehow, through her armour, even through the chaos of battle, he noticed Kilina. And the black ball with legs ran, jumped on heads and bit any foe. And so, he stood there, upon a warrior's corpse.

The Banshee Exarch immediately squealed:

"UGU! C'mere you little bugger!"

The squig jumped right into her arms and started licking her helmet. This made the other banshees form a circle of 'HOW CUTE!' at the most inopportune time, leaving the defending forces, and Altian, to defend them.

"Ladies! Fight first, then admire the black skinball!" the Hawk shouted, fending off a Ravener at the same time.

"Oh, sorry, you flying rescuer, you. Ugu, bite!"

The sharpest teeth this side of the galaxy were shown to the snake beast, which promptly started digging a tunnel out of fear. But it was too slow.

- - - - -

Now, let us have a minute of silence for this poor Ravener, which had been turned into a new chew toy.

…

…

…

…

…

There, that should suffice.

- - - - -

Nagosh shot a few rounds from his cannon-arm, tearing man-sized holes in a Carnifex. Then, a spear stabbed a Warrior to his left.

"Hello there, Nagosh!"

"Oy! 'ullo, Ash'nu! Wot ya doin'?"

"Killing Tyranids at your side. You?"

"Findin' a Karnifexo ta lift. Deyz pretty stupid, too."

As the Dire Avengers filled critical gaps in the defence lines, the Farseer moved to the first line, straight to a certain sorcerer. The psyker in question was busy shooting Doombolts at a Zoanthrope, scoring a direct hit and destroying the foul beast. And then screaming 'Owned!'.

She approached slowly, then spoke:

"Sorcerer."

"Hmm?" he turned towards the voice and saw the female figure. Quite some curves, she had, "Farseer, I presume?"

"Yes. Macha."

"Rakul. Rakul Manek. Now, if you'd be so nice to give me a little help with blasting these damned things, I'd be indebted to ya."

"Very well. Die, wretched spqn of the Devourer!"

A vortex of psychic energies formed in the middle of the horde and soon released lightning into the area and frying any bug too slow to leave the area. She stood there, a bit proud of her work.

"Not bad at all." he suddenly caught a gaunt which almost munched on her helmet, "but you have to remember to always be aware of what's jumping onto you."

Like before, he charged the critter with Warp energies and threw it into the horde.

And the battle was just beginning.


	7. MOAR, MOAR!

The plains of Chaos seemed rather peaceful that day. If one ignored the screams of agony, pleasure, or both combined, Slaanesh's realm would actually look quite romantic. A permanent, blue dawn, accompanied by purple. Lots of purple. In fact, everything was purple. The ground, the singing plants, the damned mosquitoes. Everything.

Well, there was one exception to the rule. A massive villa built upon a small hill. Each of its walls was painted with a different colour, making it look like some strange work of art. Bad art. Surrounded by a maze made out of red bushes and blue flowers, it was quite different indeed. Normally, one would have to traverse the maze to get to the building... but Nebulon didn't have the time or patience for that.

He just went forward, slashing anything in his path with the massive runic axe, Mithara close behind. After a minute or two of slashing, the plants themselves moved to avoid the black Bloodletter's fury. In less than two minutes they were at the main gate, which was part black, part silver.

His black fist connected with steel three times, sending echoes throughout the surrounding landscape. After a few seconds, the gate started opening. Soon, a Daemonette came into view, dressed in a black and white, typical maid outfit. Her eyes first drifted to Nebulon.

"I am sorry, but the master does not6 wish to be disturbed. I hope you under-" her head turned to Mithara and a smile appeared on her face, "Mith, is that you?"

"It is, Hall!"

The two moved closer and hugged each other, visibly overjoyed.

"I haven't seen you in months! What brings you here?"

"Me and Neby came to ask help for Rakul and stuff."

"I see. Well, come right in!"

The two went in, chatting about stuff. Nebulon scratched the back of his head, mildly confused, and then entered, as well.

The inside was littered with paintings of every colour and type, statues of all shapes, sizes and themes and Daemonettes wearing the same maid costumes, running here and there, cleaning, polishing, washing and looking for where they should be doing the above things. Nebulon just gazed passively at the stuff around, while the two whispered.

"You didn't tell me he was so handsome!"

"On purpose. He's mine, ya know."

"Oh, don't worry, silly! I know that all too well! And I don't think he'd even think of doing something behind your back."

"True."

"We're close to the master's inner chambers. We should... hear his antics soon." an explosion-like racket suddenly made its way throughout the villa, startling the two, while the maids seemed accustomed to it, "indeed."

A scream soon followed:

"Wooooooooooohhhhhhhhh! I LOOOOOOOOVE kittens in LSD! MAKES ME GO WIIIIIIIIILD!"

The only Bloodletter frowned.

"Haaaah... let's get this over with."

Ignoring Hall's warning, he came close to a large green door and knocked. If by 'knock', you understand 'punch with such force that the door falls out of its hinges'. Daemonettes all around gazed in surprise and shock as he entered, Mithara and Hall close behind. There were more maids in the room, but the dominant figure was one upon a throne of chicken bones and kitten skins, all drenched in LSD. He had his armour on, as always, and the flames of his skull seemed to be larger than last time. He watched them with mild annoyance.

"I thought I made myself clear about no visitors."

"They insisted, master!"

The champion's eyes flashed.

"Hey! Your business is with me!"

Doomrider leaned closer to them, sparks flying around him.

"Hey, you're that sorcerer's annoying daemon. I thought I had made my stance of 'I don't give a damn about your problems' perfectly clear by not answering three summonings. I am not fighting those orks again."

"If you had answered, you'd know we are fighting WITH the orks now, against Tyranids. Lots of 'em, too."

The daemon prince stood up and walked closer, his hand making movements in random directions.

"Even worse! You expect me to fight an enemy, which utterly humiliated me?! To just throw away all that and say, 'Hey, we're fwiendz nao!'?! Not a chance!" his eyes drifted to Mithara and examined her body, "then again, if you made it worth my while..."

Mithara wanted to put on a disgusted look, but that was replaced by a face of surprise, as Nebulon caught Doom rider by the neck and lifted him off the ground, the flames becoming smaller by the second.

"Okay, now I am angry."

"Oh, come on, Nebulon! It was just a joke! Come on, Neby!"

Mithara gasped. The nickname she had given him... and only she could say. Otherwise... terrible things happened.

"Okay, that does it."

Nebulon slowly walked to the main gate, Doomrider still in the air.

"Mith... what's he gonna' do?"

"Something bad. My Neby is so cute when he's mad!"

While she daydreamed, the others simply listened to the terrible sounds that came next. Those sounds were reminiscent of cracking bones, screams of agony and shouts like 'Not the horns!', 'My third heart!' and 'My pankreas should not be there!'.

In ten minutes, Doomrider walked... err, hopped back inside on one hand, looking like a knot. Nebulon just watched the scene, an evil grin on his face.

"Fine... I'll help, I'LL HELP!"

"Very good! Let's go, Mith!"

With that 'Oh my Chaos god, I love him!' look on her face, they left the villa, leaving many maids to try and untie their master. With mixed results.

******

The battle was still raging, with minor reinforcements for the defenders coming from all forces. Darug had built something vaguely reminiscent of a gun and was prepared to test fire it.

"Redy. Set. FIRAAAAAA'!"

Smoke filled the cannon's surroundings as a special piece of ammunition was shot. What was it? Here's a hint: it was black, round and had lots of pointy teeth. The little squig flew above the Tyranid battle lines, straight at a Zoanthrope. The synapse creature was readying a powerful warpal blast, but Ugu impacted soon enough to change the beam's target from the defence lines to the middle of a horde of gaunts. The small creatures were sent flying everywhere and Ugu hoped back to his friends, landing on many more gaunts on the way. Muskit caught him and ran behind the main line, covered by bolter rounds and shurikens.

Within the base, many were resting or getting their wounds treated within a hastily built tent. Among the ordinary troops, farseer Macha sat, regaining lost energy. She was lucky, for many around her were missing limbs. Suddenly, a blue and gold figure appeared in the entrance, one of his shoulder-pads missing.

"Stupid Raveners... attack from every direction." in his hand, he held the remains of a power sword. The sorcerer turned to a nearby Aspiring champion, who had a similar weapon, but intact, "hey, give me that."

"But, sir! This is my sword!"

"I'll trade it for a Ravener claw."

He pulled said item out of his armor.

"Deal!"

The champion plunged the sword into the ground, took the claw and ran outside, only to get cut in half by a Carnifex moments later.

"Poor sod."

He sat next to her, resting as well. Rakul then noticed she no longer had her helmet on and her crimson hair went down to the middle of her back. How the Warp could she fit that inside the helmet? She noticed his stare and asked:

"What?"

"Oh, nothing. Just wondering why you have stripes on your cheeks."

"I just like the way it looks. You have a problem with that?"

"Not at all. They suit you." he noticed, that a few of the surrounding wounded were looking at them, "quit staring before I gouge your eyes out!"

Before she could reply, a monstrous roar echoed throughout the landscape, followed by a 'Not delicious!'. Both psykers rose and rushed outside, weapons ready. There, they saw Carito screaming and pointing towards the sky. A massive swarm of gargoyles flew towards them, lead by nothing less than a winged Hive Tyrant, whose four arms were each a different weapon.

While she readied her spear, Rakul started shouting orders:

"Okay, idiots, regroup! Carito! Get some men and start shooting the small ones! Me and Macha here will take the Tyrant!"

"Roger!"

Many marines didn't even wait for Carito to come close. Considering the airborne swarm's size, that was no surprise. The Tyrant came ever closer, not hindered by small arms fire. It then came crashing down upon them, crushing a pair of avengers under its clawed feet. The beast's single eye watched the two opponents before it and then its jaws opened with a deafening roar.

"This was a bad idea, eh?"

"Indeed."

Its massive scything talons slashed at them, but they dodged just in time. A barbed strangler and venom cannon shot at both independently, while it tried to get close to either combatant. Macha released a bolt of psychic energy against her foe, but that merely scorched its hide. Rakul's doombolt had a similar effect.

He tried to strike it from the back, but its tail swept him away with no effort. His body smashed against a rock and he started getting up. With a flap of its wings, he saw Macha go to the ground, the wind too strong. The massive talons rose into the air, ready to cut her in half. That simply would not do. His armoured boots impacted the ground rapidly and his power sword went into a blocking position in the last second.

The Tyrant's strike was brutal, powerful enough to destroy the power sword and strike Rakul's helmet, pushing him several feet back and sending him to the ground. Macha and many surrounding troops gasped, but found a hint of relief when he got up again, the helmet cracked. And he threw away the sword and took it off.

Shoulder-length hair appeared from under it and two blue eyes watched the monster. His pale skin coloured by a small trickle of blood. He was definitely not pleased.

"Time for drastic measures." he whispered and, fighting the urge to scream 'By the power of Grayskull!', he raised one of his hands, sending psychic signals into the Warp at the same time.

******

Tzeentch knew what the sorcerer wanted. Rakul had earned the item within his labyrinth, after all. And requesting the object meant only one thing... Crap just got serious. All four of the Changer's arms went into the air.

"Very well, Rakul! Receive your blade!"

Chaos energies filled the room and their effects soon appeared within the normal world. Gmork and the other gods just kept looking, waiting for something to happen.

******

Chaos lightning struck his palm, but went no further. In moments, a magnificent weapon had formed. Made from the finest of mortal weapons and imbued with the power of nine hundred and ninety-nine daemons, it shone in a blue hue. Energy crackled along the sword's blade and red runes glowed. His armoured fingers gripped the golden hilt and pointed the sword straight at the beast.

Sangus stared from afar.

"Damnit! I want a weapon like that!" he then proceeded with venting his anger on a Carnifex's head.

It roared yet again and charged, talons ready to tear him to pieces. But Rakul was the true attacker. He gripped the daemonic sword with both hands and slashed at the monster. Its claws rose to defend it, but the blade went straight through, easily biting deep into the flesh beneath the carapace. The Tyrant roared in anger and tried to bite his unprotected head off.

Rakul, however, dodged and grabbed onto the thing's wing, then pulled himself up. It tried to shake him off, but the sorcerer's grip was firm and the blade shone in his hand. With one last strike, he plunged it through the Tyrant's skull. The masses above grew disorganized and started attacking everything around them, including their own kind.

The beast's corpse fell to the ground and he stood upon it, looking awesome. He then did a victory pose, jumped down and walked closer to the farseer.

"You okay?"

"Y-yes. Thank you."

"No problem. You owe me a helmet, though."

******

Not too far from the site of the epic battle, Nagosh charged against the Tyranid battle lines. His choppa' swung in every direction, his bullets flew at any target, his feet crushed smaller creatures. A Carnifex suddenly stood in his way, but he did not slow down. Rather, he sped up and crashed straight into the beast. As mighty as the bio-beast was, it could not stop the ork and soon felt its body get pushed. It tried in vain to stop the ork, the ground parting under its claws.

Several warriors stood in their path, Warp-bent on stopping the insanity. But it was of no use, for not even these reinforcements could stop the ork. Soon, Biovores, a Zoanthrope, several Genestealers and uncountable tiny Gaunts joined this small 'train'. But the warboss showed no sign of stopping. That is, until they hit a rock wall. The whole mass came to a halt, Nagosh slowly realising he was surrounded by a horde of bugs.

And he grinned.

The ones at the first defence line watched as all kinds of 'Nids started flying into the air. A small gap started forming between Nagosh and the bugs and he headed back to base, looking epic.

******

On the plains of unified Chaos, there stood a lonely bar, filled with all kinds of daemons. From Plaguebearers to Flamers, from Bloodletters to Nurglings. Two new figures entered the building, a black Bloodletter Champion and a pink Daemonette. Many eyes turned their way, intrigued by such travellers. One table had a pair of free seats and a group of war veterans at it, many scars on their bodies. And one gouged eye.

One of the daemons waved at them and they came closer. The one-eyed Bloodletter called:

"Well, if it ain't pretty boy Nebulon!"

"Hey, ain't my fault you threw yourself against the heavy bolter emplacement, Kran."

All of them laughed.

"Hahahahahah! That's true! And you must be Mithara! Big, black and ugly tells us lots about ya!"

she merely giggled, "take a seat, friends!" they did so, to the joy of all at the table, "so, why have ya come to this distant piece of nowhere?"

"Well... we need help."

A Plaguebearer in the corner shouted:

"Typicaaal. And whaaat would you need help with?"

"Oh, just smashing a Tyranid horde, is all."

There was a brief silence, which was interrupted by a waiter, who looked like a cross between a fungus and a pig.

"Can I get ya something?"

"Warpal beer."

"And for the charming lady?"

"Just blood, please."

"As you wish."

The pig-thing left, leaving Kran to reply, two tusks shaped in a grin-like face:

"How many of 'em?"

"Large Hive fleet. I'd say about twice as large as what we're used to."

"Oh, sounds fun. Whaddaya' say, guys?"

Those at the tables did many different things. Roar with joy, bash the wood with their fists and simply nodding being one of those actions.

"I guess that's a 'HELL YES!'."

"Oh, indeed, pretty boy. We'll round up a few of our mates and then join ya... where are we going, anyway?"

"Planet's name is Carridia."

"Hey, I think I was on a raid there, one time! Okay, settled! Now..." the waiter brought the two drinks, "just in time! I'll pay for those!"

"Only for the beer, Kran. Lady's drink is on the house."

"Hahahahahahahah!"

"What can I say? Being pretty has its advantages!"

Laughter filled the bar as their glasses hit each other in the air and as drinks flowed down their throats.

Not a good day for Haxxor... for many allies were heading for Carridia. Not a good day at all.


	8. Big, BIG troublez!

The four gods and goddess watched the great spectacle, eating pop corn, pretzels, bird seed, random passing demons and snot, in Nurgle's case. All was going surprisingly well, with the Tyranid horde taking substantial losses. The many defending armies, especially those stationed at Egle hill, proved to be a foe unmatched, fighting with a fury unseen since Khorne's last blood beer-fest. The bugs would not win. Or perhaps?

"I say, this is going marvellously well!"

"Yeh, yeh. Pass da' pretzly bitz, birdy-fing!"

"Of course, here you- what the," the pretzels flew all over Gmork, who was too happy to notice anything was wrong. He could feel some new, powerful entity. Tzeentch's arms went into the air, "show me the source!"

"What's going on, Tzeentchey?"

"We'll soon see," the image in the orb shifted, showing the insect fleet. Attached to the fleet's mothership, the five saw something resembling an egg, but of incredible size, bigger than some of the surrounding hive ships, "well, whatever it is, it can't be good."

"I dunno' beak-boy. The fight could be fun to look at."

"Everything involving huge monsters is fun in your book!"

"Precisely!"

******

The allied fleet saw the very same image and Akitol had the egg as priority number one on his 'Crap that needs blowing up' list. But the Haxxor fleet let nothing pass. Fighter squadrons were annihilated by massive spore-clouds, while larger ships risked getting rammed by countless bioships. And every one of them was There was nothing they could do. Well, except for plan C, 'run around the bridge for a few minutes, screaming like a little girl, and then call those on the ground and start preparing funerals'. Akitol was ready for any situation, really.

The massive egg then detached from the bioship and headed straight for Carridia. Not good at all.

******

The sorcerer was resting within the command centre, holding two items. His still-damaged helmet and the daemonic blade, which feasted on the blood covering its warped metal. Which was a bit creepy. Seriously.

Suddenly, there came a beep from the now-somewhat-repaired console. That meant, the damned thing was stuck together by chewing gum. Seemed to work, though. Rakul walked over to it and clicked a few buttons, making Akitol's face appear on the screen.

"Sir!"

"What's is it, Akitol?"

"We may have a big problem. A BIG problem. Some kind of... egg has been released from the largest bioship. It's heading straight for you."

"Oh, goody. How big is it, exactly?"

"Can you imagine a Warlord titan?"

Rakul's eyes grew wide in seconds.

"You can't be serious!"

"I'm sorry, sir., but I am. Good luck. 'Twas an honour serving under you."

"You sure know how to raise morale. Rakul, out," with that, he rushed outside and spotted Macha a bit farther, resting, as well. Running to her, he shouted, "we need to boost our defences and start calling reinforcements!"

"What, why?"

"We're in deep, deep crap," many soldiers around him started pointing to the sky. The two psykers turned and saw a massive, flaming orb in the sky, "scratch that order, we're dead."

Many of the defenders stopped attacking, choosing instead to gaze at the massive object. Even Nagosh did so, while in the middle of the horde and holding a Carnifex. The egg then crashed into the ground, sending a massive shock-wave of dust, Tyranids and other such objects everywhere. But Nagosh still stood there, impervious to the power. And when it all settled, a nightmare was in view.

The creature was massive and stood on eight thick, armoured legs. Its hide was covered by uncountable bio-weapons and spore-releasing glands, all ready to annihilate any opposition. The monster gazed at the small, green ork before it with several large, green eyes. Its jaws were filled with man-sized teeth, which were probably strong enough to bite through a Baneblade's armour. The abomination roared with force enough to smash rock. Yet the warboss stood. The roar ended and he shouted:

"Ya fink I'z afraid of ya? Fink again, bug-boy! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHH," he charged and punched the beast straight in one of its teeth. A small crack appeared on its surface, but otherwise, nothing, "okay, maybe I'z a itzy bitzy bit afraid. Uhhh... I'z gonna' go now."

With that, he ran in the opposite direction, the beast roaring behind his back. One of its legs then rose from the ground and came down with a deafening crash. The defenders looked at it in horror, many contemplating retreat. That would not do.

Rakul saw the fear in their eyes and something had to be done about it. And so, he sent a psychic message to all around. The psykers felt it in particular, but all could sense it:

"Warriors! I know what you feel! Utter horror and despair grips your very souls! But now is not the time for retreat! If we fall, everything else goes with us! These beasts will evolve further, perfecting the ork genome within them and shall be unstoppable! I will not lie, the odds are against us! But a mere surrender will only mean our demise! So, I say, fight! Fight for Chaos, for the Greater Good, for the Emperor, for Squig pies! Let's show these disgusting monster what we've got!"

Macha smiled at him.

"Quite a 'speech'."

"Well, thank you."

"Yeeeeeeh! Dakka dakka dakkaaaaaaa!"

Gobroz's massive gun was the first to unleash volleys of bullets and las-beams at the bio-titan, but the rest of the force soon joined in, unleashing massive storm of projectiles at the beast. It didn't seem to mind, though.

"Ya redy, Ugu?" asked Muskit, with a wide grin.

The little squig nodded and was soon loaded into the experimental cannon once again. One shot later, the black ball flew threw the air and landed upon the Tyranid's head, though, the creature didn't seem to notice. That soon changed, however, as Ugu jumped on one of its eyes, enraging it quite a bit. Its head moved in every direction and Ugu managed to hold on for a while, before finally getting catapulted onto the beast's back.

The little black squig looked around, a bit dazed. He was still on the thing's back, which certainly wasn't good. But then, he noticed another being nearby. Golden hide, blue chitinous armour. Claws too weak to even scratch. Huge, black eyes staring straight at the squig. The creature was even smaller than Ugu. And it let out a high-pitched squeak. Ugu growled back. It seemed... amused and squeaked again.

One Banshee was not very happy about that.

"Oh, no! Uguuuuu! Someone has to save him!"

Altian was nearby, along with several other Swooping Hawks, getting ready for an aerial assault. He turned to Kilina and spoke:

"Don't you worry! I'll get him on my way back."

"Oh, you're the best."

"Okay, Hawks! Let's show that thing what our grenades look like from up close!"

Their jetpacks fired up and the aspects rose to the sky, with their Exarch in the front. It took them seconds to reach the bio-titan, yet it seemed like eternity. Then, all Chaos broke loose. The air was filled with spikes, spores and venom-bolts, which were nearly impossible to dodge. But they were trained for such situations. The grenade launchers strapped to their legs released their explosive payload, but it did little else than scorch its chitinous hide. Several screams came from his brethren. This was useless. Telling the others to retreat, they followed the order. He still had one mission, however.

And its target was already in sight. A black ball... along with another, even smaller creature. What was that other thing? No matter, he was only here for the squig. Descending, he quickly grabbed Ugu and then rose back up. Unbeknownst to him, Ugu managed to grab the other critter with his little feet, so the Hawk Exarch now carried both. He flew over the beast's head, but this time, not all went as planned. One of the spikes pierced his left wing and Altian lost control. A few Tau soldiers stepped out of the way just in time, while the Eldar crashed into the ground, the two critters falling close to Rakul and Macha. Kilina forgot about the cute critters and rushed towards the fallen Hawk.

"Altian, are you alright?"

"Just a few fractured ribs. I'll live."

Meanwhile, two psykers and Muskit watched the two tiny creatures.

"Oy, Ugu! Who'z dis?"

"It's even smaller than the squig. Strange," the black ball roared and then started jumping, the little Tyranid mimicking him, "though, it is rather cute."

"Looks creepy, if you ask me," the little bug seemed offended and Rakul suddenly got a quite large headache, "ow, what the?!"

"You feel it, too? Is that little critter...?"

"A synapse creature, yes. Owwww... okay, okay, you're the cutest little bastard in the universe. Now stop," it roared in delight and the pain went away, "a psyker on such a small scale. Incredible!"

"Oh, look at that little cutie," the Banshee Exarch grabbed the little 'nid and squeezed. Ugu looked on with sorrow, "oh, come here, you idiot," the black ball happily obliged, "see? We're all happy now! I'll call you Bitey!"

The most pimped out Necron lord pointed with his finger.

"I haaate myself for breaaaking such aaa cute moment, but we're aaall going to die."

The bio-titan was indeed almost upon them, its many weapons already felling defenders. There was nothing they could do to stop it. After all, Nagosh was already pushing against its legs in vain.

"Well, this seems like a fitting last stand."

"I suppose. We die defending the Craftworlds, the human colonies, everything."

"Oy, but I'z wanna' fight sum moar!"

Ugu and Bitey let out weak growls. Both were obviously scared.

And then, the abomination suddenly stopped, its many eyes looking beyond their positions. Turning back, the defenders saw a ray of purple ray rising from the ground. It vanished and was replaced replaced by the sound of roaring engines and... stomps. A bike suddenly roared through the sky after hitting some rubble on the road, painted completely red and came to a crashing halt right next to a now-retreating warboss. A green head stared from the rubble, with bloodied clothes covering the rest of the ork's body.

"Hullo, boss!"

"Oy, Grimog! Great ta' see ya! D'ya get 'im?"

"'Ow do ya fink we got 'ere? Took us longa', cuz wez didn't know da wey!"

More orky vehicles came over the hill, followed by lotsa' boyz. However, there was only one dominant figure. An only too familiar daemon, with colour-changing skin, bat wings on its head and uncountable other wings on its back. Also, lizard-head and flaming eyes. Rakul gazed at Cambius, his jaw wide-open. The greater daemon scremed, the tone of his voice still changing:

"Well, look at what we have here! A big spider, how cute!"

The Tyranid roared and charged at full speed, crushing numerous creatures under its massive claws. But the daemon of change would not go down that easily. He vanished, only to reappear on its back, warpal energies already pulsing in his hands. Massive doombolts struck the bug, burning through its carapace and insides. The beast roared in fury and somehow twisted one of its legs to grab the daemon and smash it against the ground with massive force. Cambius' many eyes watched the bio-titan open its mouth, ready to devour. He was not just going to be part of some menu, though. Quickly, the daemon readied another doombolt and shot it straight into the monster's open maw, annihilating most of its head. The remainder of the bio-titan collapsed onto the ground. Cambius walked back to the defenders slowly, injured. Rakul was most confused.

"How? HOW?!"

"How come I am still here? Foolish sorcerer, one cannot simply destroy a daemon of my calibre! But because of the still-intact summoning circles within the fortress, I could not return into the Warp proper. That's when Nagosh here found me."

The warboss was grinning and Gobroz shouted:

"Oh! So dat'z why youz been goin' dere all da' time!"

"Yeh! Poor fella' was just a liitle disgustin' blobby fingy. I 'elped 'im."

"Therefore he technically became my new master. And now, I have repaid the debt? Please, I am weakened because of no warpal contact for such a long time. I am wounded even now. Let me return to the Impossible Fortress!"

Nagosh scratched his chin with the blades on his chain-choppa' and then looked at the greater daemon.

"Okeyz."

"Yeeeesssss! Finally free,a free all these millennia! Thank you!"

And with a single flash of light, Cambius vanished into thin air. Rakul spoke:

"We just sent away an impossibly powerful weapon of Chaos. Oh, well, at least he killed the spider."

"Yeh. An' Ugu an' Biteyz is safe! We all iz," incredible masses of spores landed within the canyon. The insects were not pleased and neither was Muskit, "or notz. Iz don't fink even da boyz will be enuff dis time."

"Well, good thing you have us here, then," they all turned to see a well-known Bloodletter Champion and Daemonette, "hello, master!"

"Nebulon! Perfect timing, my friend!"

A large, blue portal appeared behind the pair and figures started appearing from within. Starting with a humanoid with a flaming skull. Doomrider laughed maniacally, while a whole host of Daemonettes appeared right behind him, all in black leather. Deja vu, much? Right behind them, were daemons of all four deities, ready to have bug meat for lunch. Unbeknownst to all, Darug had a 'Oh mah frikin' Gork, of courze!' moment and ran off to Tzeentch knows where.

"Hahahahaahaaaaaa! Time for LSD rampaaaaaaaage!"

"I hope we brought sufficient reinforcements. Also, I'm sorry, but ol' flaming skull insisted on coming."

"Oh, indeed. Especially because of that," several winged, flat creatures emerged from the portal and one of them almost instantly flew to the sorcerer, "oh, I do love riding the wild ones," He jumped onto the daemon, able to hold his balance perfectly. Turning to the farseer, he smiled, "you need a ride? Or do you have your own?"

Macha looked at one of the Screamers, who looked a bit hungry. Nope.

"I think I'd rather go with you."

"Excellent! Come on up!"

Holding a hand out to her, which she took, he helped her stand onto the beast. She was visibly not used to such a mount, however, and held onto his shoulder with one hand.

"This is certainly... different."

"Awesome, isn't it? Now, denizens of Chaos! Orks, Eldar, Tau and humans! Let's have some fun!"

Before the charge could start, however, Bitey became restless. The little 'nid wiggled out of Kilina's grasp and jumped onto the occupied Screamer seconds before it flew forward. It held onto Macha's leg, who stared at the little guy, confused.

"We have an unwelcome passenger!"

"Oh? Who?"

"Bitey."

"Heh, little rascal probably wants to see his siblings or something," The two forces were about to clash, when the little bug emitted a other Tyranids around the trio started fighting each other, making them ideal targets for doombolts and psychic blasts, "or maybe he wanted a part of the fame! This is certainly useful!"

Doom rider's mini-titan rose from the allied horde and shot into the insect one. The day was theirs, it seemed.

******

"Do you know what you get for getting here ten thousand years late?"

"Uhhhh..."

"A big hug! Welcome back, sonny-boy!"

Tzeentch's arms grabbed the, in comparison, small Cambius and squeezed, his three heads showing happy smiles, which were hard to do with beaks.

"Dad, you scared me!"

"Just as planned!"

The other four stared at the duo in utter confusion.

"Sonny boyz?!"

"Dad?!"

"Strange," followed by a massive cough.

"Awwww, look at how cute they look!"

Tzeentch put the greater daemon down and looked at the others.

"Yes, this is my son, Cambius! And these, my boy, are the other three I told you all about. And the fat guy is Gmork."

"Hey! Dat'z not nice!"

"Hullo. Pleased to meet you."

The Blood God was not satisfied.

"Wait, wait, WAIT. We've been living here together for over a bajillion years! How come we didn't know you had a son?!"

The Changer crossed his arms.

"Well, I didn't want him to be exposed to all of your shenanigans. Also, he was a pretty shy little guy, so he generally hid when any of you showed up."

"Awwwww, why? We don't bite, do we? Well, I do, but only on Thursdays."

"That's another reason why I've kept it a secret. However, that is all in the past. Now Cambius can travel the plains without fear."

"Yeah! And I'll grow up and be as strong as daddy!"

"Great, just what we need. TWO know-it-alls!"

"Oh, soften up, Khorne! Our picnics will be even more fabulous now!"

"As long as they're not in Nurgle's garden... that reminds me, 'papa', when the Warp are you going to let Isha out of her cage? I can't take the screams, any more."

"Who's Isha, dad?"

"I'll show ya later, when we let her out of the cage. Seriously, man, give her some rest. And access to a shower."

"But, but..."

"No buts! Now, Hanumos! Get me some tea!"

"Yeah, for me, too!"

A single tear escaped the schemer's leftmost eye.

"Just like his old god..."

"Oh, be even more sappy, won't you?"

"Youz guyz are weird."


End file.
